Yes, I believe in Love.

I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't know if it is because I have constantly been sick from everything I consume

Or stress.

I really hate this anxiety, waking up with it, and dealing with its attacks through out the day... leading my mind to various questions I need answers to.

Promise me, it will go back to being the same.

I think that right now, that is my biggest fear. Though I am trying to keep some type of normalcy, it so far from it at times. Sometimes I sit here and think, if you just said

'Hey Babe :)' It would make it all better, just letting me know, I am on your mind.

But then I sit here, and look at my boxy purple phone and wonder.

Do you ever think about me, like how I am thinking about you?

Do you ever crave my lips and the feeling of my skin,

or even just the look in my eyes, looking at you?

Hands around my waist, legs around your waist, hand at the back of neck - fingers in my hair.

Feeling your kiss against my skin. Your smile, your eyes widen, all the little things I notice you do. I can't help but miss them. Do you ever notice the little things, and miss them too?

I can be the best friend, hell, you already were one of mine. But tell me it wont be that way forever, that you mean what you say and you'll fight it make it come true.

I need love to be restored in my mind, that people really do

Say What They Mean, and Mean What They Say

I suppose it is stupid, venting to a blog, in which you could easily read. But maybe that is why like it so much. Vindication. I can state my case without argument, and still prove my point.

How many ways in life can you do that so simply?

I am such a dreamer. In a way, I hate it about myself. I have my head above the clouds and think about everything I want to do and be. Everything I want and how it should go.

I have always been one for make-believe and fantasies.

And when I find something, that fits into part of that little fairytale in my head,

Jesus. I believe in it more than anything.

In a way that is how it should be. Everyone has their passions, I suppose the idea of love has been mine. I love the idea of two people, who connect so well in so many ways, it is easy.

They can laugh, and talk, be comfortable around each other in general, naked, when ill or even just looking like crap. Or when you have a fight, and blow up at each other for all the common stress around you; you slam the door and start the car but come home that night and cuddle up in bed, kiss on the forehead and say 'Baby, I am so sorry for today'. And there is no fear either of you... will go anywhere.

Isn't that amazing?

I always did believe 'love' was past the flowers, the chocolates and the diamond ring. Don't get me wrong, I love diamond rings. But I always thought, that friendship where you can drive around late at night, listening to your favorite song, hearing each others meaningless rambles that still have so much value... where you listen, laugh and sympathize, mattered more than the cheezy stereotypical love tokens ever could. And when you stop at that red light, and you lean over to kiss, just because, just in that moment. Isn't that love?

The little things are the big things, when he knows your favorite cup of coffee... or even just puts in the attempt because it matters to you. Isn't that the greatest sign of care?

Putting in the effort to show you care, and then having the rest come naturally through conversation and everyday actions. That is real.

We can look past the sex and the physical passion, which can die. Due to injury, or simply when you come to that old age and need to take viagra. Tragedy.

Id rather have good conversation and laughs that bring me closer to a person, then no relationship and just sex.

Why am I rambling about this? I am sitting on my couch, with a penguin blanket and pillow, craving a green tea latte and thinking I need to study before work :( B.S.

I really dont like christmas, and my mom is going hardcore and being immature. And I really dislike christmas.

Something my mother stated to me, probably 2 weeks ago, was

'It is so nice you will have someone for christmas' and she proceeded to tell all her friends that she was happy I would not be alone for the holidays.

That changed.

You know when you look back on things and remember things that didn't matter so much at the time, but really do now? Lately I have been wanting to cuddle naked, under the covers.

Feeling the body heat, fingers memorizing ever muscle and skin. The scent of Fiji.

It kinda has become my favorite smell.

Eating sushi and failing, wrestling, or tickling the sensitive areas, watching the squirming. Maybe I would have stopped worrying so much, or just sat there and looked a little more and let my fingers feel a little more.

Because I am realizing more and more through these days, that the little things are the big things. I am just a stupid sob story I guess.

But as I said, my biggest fear right now, is not getting back what I had.

Lately, I have kind of been treated non existant, and not even deserving the benefit or mature conversation. But, when I hear that voice in my ear, I become way to forgiving. Such a push over I can be, but just because I have been hurt... doesn't mean I need to be a bitch and hurt back.

Despite what everyone tells me.

I guess I am so tired of being let down, and also... being a let down myself. Through my friends, my mother, and well.. the obvious.

Please don't let me down this week. Don't let me down.

Truth is, I do believe in love, I believe in its passion, and I believe in all the corny things that go with it that makes it happen. The songs that come on with Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift and Boys like Girls that get the butterfly effect when you happen to be together. I love the hand holding where everyone can see, the romantic kiss where people turn heads and say

'Thats adorable, I wish that was me'

The compliments on how good you look together, the couplie pictures. Even falling asleep to a movie, kissing your cheek so unsuspecting when his arms are tight around you. Wearing his clothes, when you could easily wear your own, throwing pumpkin guts and making cookies. Bragging to the world, they are yours. Yes, I believe in the cheezy romantic love and everything that comes with it. It is quite ridiculous, how far I will go for things I really do believe in.

I fight to the death for what I want.

If I want something, I go for it until I can get it.

So right now, I really am believeing in love. That what we had before, and even still kind of have now... will shine through the misfortune we have to deal with today. That promises will be kept, I will kiss you on New Years, I will get the stupid flowers and chocolate on Valentines Day, and redo my prom, so I can have it the right way. I can wake up to you every morning, and decorating a home with picture frames and make scrambled eggs, even though I hate scrambled eggs. I can explore the land down under. Yes, I probably, well I know I am getting way ahead of myself, but I remember everything said to me by someone that matters.

And I believe in him so much, for everything he does, because he has so much amazing stuff to him. And I know even when he is just an asshole, and I am annoying and insecure. He still makes me happy.

But my one concern right now, if I believe in love so much.

Why do I feel like, I could easily cry?

'You can't just say I love you, You have to live I love you.'

I could live a life of Marvel, But I choose a life of love.

I sat in the shower today, that is right. I sat.

I didn't have the energy to stand, the strength to stay upright.

So I sat, and felt the water hit my head, run through my hair.

I remember sitting there, thinking. 'Why can't all rain be this warm?'

And for a second, I didn't focus on the warmth washing over my shoulders and spine.

But the sound of the water pounding down on the metal of my bathtub,

the individual drops hitting my palms, and the rest as it seeps in the cracks and folds

of where my legs bend, my head hangs, and my eyes close.

It reminded me of something, the only thing, thought I cannot remember the name;

that I learned in psychology. The things in our brain we are so used to we turn off.

I hate the things I am used to, I want to learn the things I don't anymore.

I thought I was. I always have been afraid for the things that betrayed me.

Water, you swept me under your waves, depriving me the thing I know best.

To breathe.

And all you boys who broke my heart, who I took a risk to trust, who I put my heart into love.

You took the thing I knew best, the ability, to breathe.

Whats worse, being with someone who doesn't love you... Or not being with someone who does?

All I have ever wanted in my life, but never really had, was stability. The comfort to know,

what I had was security.

I remember the day I felt it hit me, those fireworks feelings, that rush that hits you when everything goes right? He held my hand behind the seat, and listened to me as I vented the things I don't care about, care to much about and hate about my life.

We went for a stroll under the dark lights, and I kissed him; it honestly never felt so right.

I never made the move to kiss a boy before, I was a virgin at it I suppose.

From that day, my life changed.

How is it fair, that you can have the benefits, the girl who loves you, her body, her lips,

her eyes only for you. That she will wait for you, and wont stop caring, because you mean that much. When she has every reason to walk away from you. And not look back?

And you cant even do her the decency, of saying she is your girl. Claiming ownership, or even.

Saying you are seeing each other, no obligations to be with anyone else, or even to say your are the BF/GF relationship. But just the courtesy so the world knows, you still have the interest and you still have the care. As much as I want to kiss you and sleep with you, and love you. I need something in return, I refuse to be the friends the benefits, or the fuck buddy.

Its to easy for you, to hard for me.

Have the respect, to care about me.

Its like sitting in the shower, you don't realize all the little things around you. Until they slowly hit you, and how much they matter. That is love isn't it?

I am not a patient person, and I don't do well with what I cannot understand.

There is a lyric, from some song I don't remember.

'You can't just say I love you, You have to live I love you'

Start living I love you,

I could live a life of marvel, but I choose a life of Love.

You are In this with Me

I'm scared of the fights

The incidents that could arise,

Perfect moments, I am scared I will watch them slowly die.

It is perfect, this person in front of me, never thought I could feel so much

Or be excited to watch you smile, bite your lip when you see me.

I don't want my own demons to mess this up.

Honestly, I don't think I can bare another screw up.

I got my fantasy beside me, holding my hand and kissing me cheek.

The world is ours, I can't wait for each day.

But why is tomorrow seeming so far away.

My head is in pain, and all I need is to be held so tightly, kissed on the cheek.

And being told, that I am so truly unique.

I am in it for the long run, no turning back.

Lack of time, perhaps a lot of good byes.

I will fight to death, as long as you are in this with me.

Giving up is for phonies, those who can't live up to their words.

I love you is forever, at least that is what I have been told.

Forever could last a life, forever could be till next week.

But promise me one thing, through the rumors, the misunderstandings

and situations, I dare not to see.

That through ups and down, slow rides and fast pace; You are In this with me.

Unexpected you were, driving around all night.

Hand hold behind the back seat, a single kiss that unfolded a story.

It started from there, this spell I fell into.

You have no idea how much you mean to me.

I really believe in this, You and I.

When your arms are wrapped around me; nothing could break this feeling.

Of security and serenity.

I love you, so so much. I cant even stress how much.

Promise me, that together hand in hand.

I can wake up to you beside me, lay on the sand; sun kissing our skin.

I'll worry about you to death, if you got home okay.

The snowflakes we will catch with our tongues, the movies we will sleep through.

Late night drive, even later night waffles. Laugh till I cry,

You are the best thing that has ever been mine.

Kissing you is a drug, your skin I feel love.

So through the good and the bad, I love you before I go to sleep, chaos I don't want to see.

That what life throws are way, as unideal as it may be. The fights, the love.

The strength that we feel, we only fight because we love each other.

Just promise me one thing, You are In this with Me.

When Your Blue Eyes Look Back

I cant get you out of head.

I almost feel like you play some part in this game, that you want to break my heart

Every Day.

I dream about you, like nothing changed, and how everything was supposed to go.

You would hold me, never let your fingers leave my skin.

Kiss me when everyone was watching, and hold me tighter because you could never get

enough of me.

We would have sex as often as we could, and it only brought out how much you loved me more and more.

I didn't have to use myself to try and make you love me. To try and bring something back you once had.

I hate you so much, for everything you put me through.

Leaving me alone when the whole world watched with pity, and you shrugged it off with good bye.

The most important day of my adolescent life, meant to shine on my accomplishments.

Only shined on yours, and how you conquered at tearing me apart.

And no one could deny, you did well at it.

I'm tired of you in my head, and I'm tired of dreaming of all my suppressed love for you.

Because I'm so busy trying to hate you for everything I should.

----------

I used to call you baby, and press my forehead against yours.

Your hands fit perfectly, gave me shivers up my spine.

The butterflies, the fantastic thrill, when you smiled, and I knew, it was mine.

I loved you for everything you were, when the rest of world told me no.

Cold emotions, ability to perceive.

I wish you never made me believe.

You loved me, that it was real.

That maybe we were meant to be,

The Notebook unraveled,

We would somehow find each other, through all our life's travels.

You'd bite your lip, and I would bite mine.

Our dark eyelashes flutter, our hearts melting together.

Through virtual smiles, make believe, and conversations that lasted for hours.

I fell inlove and cant get back up.

You stole my heart, and I want it back.

He has no idea how much it hurts,

When I look at him, and your blue eyes look back.

Leave me alone, and let me dream.

Of a simpler time, Innocence kept close, when hearts were whole

And there was no you and me.

Dedicated to E.L.

I hate how much I love you.

Please, Ethan. Just leave me alone to dream.

Pieces of a person

Sometimes, I feel I am made of up of pieces of a person, because I cant imagine myself feel whole.

I hate those moments, when the anxiety blankets over you, causing your heart to beat at a peculiar pace. If only I could explain the things I could, though in previous blogs I always speak of how disastrous that society has become with the need for love, and not the desire.

I feel I need love. Because when I have someone I care about deeply, and them at my side caring about me to. I am complete, but then I soon think of all the reasons they arent happy, or all the things they do to me or behind my back. I cant be happy with myself and I cant enjoy what is making me happy.

Im at the point I cant believe anyone. We are all so full of lies, we as in humans.

I keep missing my ex, and when it was brought to my attention earlier today that I may head down his way into his town. I felt the need to see him, hug him and cry so hard for everything I have hid inside. I know this isnt the right choice by anyway.

The other person I am seeing, I wish I knew he gave an inch for my feelings. His action and real life words, are yes, not matching his pathetic texts by not giving me the time of day to respond to them. I am aware this post is completely hypocritical to my previous post.

But the truth is, I am tired of the drama and this sicking overwhelming gush i get swimming through my body.

Is it to much to find one who is really truly there without a battle or without hesitance?

I think you only find those when your 82 and in your old folks home, when the men and women only care about death and no more mind games and teases.

I would give anything to trust my decision and someone to trust me enough to keep at it, and fight for me. Say good morning, say good night. These are small gestures but enough to at least show that person was on your mind and meant enough to let them know something so small.

My heart aches, it is actually just ripping and pounding.

I want to feel the fireworks, and the desire and those moments and memories.

I want to hold hands, and have first kisses and just feel so safe and secure because you know that person so well its okay.

I miss all of thats, and I want all of that. So show me someone to trust, someone to love and be loved by. And maybe for once, my heart feel whole again, and I can stop living as pieces of a person who is trying to fit together.

Dreamt of past people, of memories we never shared.

At this point in life, I'm realizing how purely messed up the world is and is becoming.

Love is obsession, need and fixation, not what it is meant to be.

Desire and want. A fine line separates them, but so much differs them.

I dreamt last night of my Ex. Possibly because yesterday was his prom/grad in which I was meant to attend. It was like we were giving each other a second chance, and it was like he never said or did the things he had done. My dream progressed as we went to the movies and by the end of the movie we were snuggled up lying down falling asleep. I rememeber how it felt to kiss him, but as my dream carried on, the face of the boy was not my ex. but someone else. I remember running my fingers through his hair and his arms around my waist, all in a dream. But none was real.

Last night I was very upset because a person I am seeing was making no effort to talk with me through my horrible day, and just ignored my texts.

Cell phones, I had gone 2 months without one since my ex and I broke up. And now I'm feeling why did I even bother getting one, they cause so much drama, over text.

This is a pathetic form of communication, using trivial, usually shortened words fit into a cyber spaced 140 character message. And that is meant to express all our feelings and real love?

No, if you feel something if something is real express it in the form its meant to be in.

WORDS. Your voice corresponding with another.

'Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.' -- Greys Anatomy

I myself, I would say am quote hungry. I try and find messages of wisdom to maybe make my issues make more sense. And this is probably one of my favorite quotations, because it is one of the most truthful.

As technology comes more and more to us, we are losing each other and real sense of who we are. Wrapped up in what we could be, then whom we are. It is so easy to put a fake face on over a text or a fb message. Maybe thats part of look, or you are just scared.

Something I myself find would be one of the nicest things, is if someone that is within my interest would come up to me and ask me out on a date, that they had put thought into, and tell me something of care. Ex. You seem really nice, fun and someone I would like to get to know.

A genuine interest and compliment.

But for right now, we will have to settle with the fake emotions of electronic wording, feelings faked, frusteration fizzling and all around being lost with ourselves and those around us.

So for now, we will just live out of our dreams with people of the past and memories we never shared.

Hey there my Knight, am I still the Princess of this Fairy Tale?

Hey blog, I am sorry I have been neglecting you.
But right now I dont know where to turn.

I have to send in my college app. tomorrow, and I do want to go to post secondary. But i dont want to go there, I want to go somewhere that I feel good about going to. I know where I wanna go, and I know where I want to be. But it isnt anywhere near here, in so many ways.

I feel like crumbling, but im trying to stay strong. I cant even process what to say anymore, and the only person I want to talk about it too, is the person who I cant even talk about it too. I dont want my friends to know my pain. I dont want anyone to know.
Im fighting for it, for him, and I cant and wont let him go. I have been left, and left, countless times, and each time I feel it is my fault. I will not forget late night kisses, steamy moments, hearing I'm beautiful, and knowing that I matter so much to one person. I was living my fairy tale, after so many times of pain. I didnt have to feel it anymore, because he took it away.
Right now I just want to cry, because I want to know, maybe im still the princess of that fairy tale, and if he is still my knight.

You dont know who I am? Im that girl right from the start, with the big smile, the big opinions and big thoughts on what the world is. I still dream, and I still think way too much. I still believe that everything that matters the most, and what you think the most, you have to work for it. That's what I have been living by, and at one point, my knight lived by it too.

Now I feel like an inconvenience, and if it mattered if I disappeared for a few days. I wish March never came, I never would have gone away if I knew that I would have left you behind. I promise, I missed you everyday, I promise that I still miss you everyday. I promise, I never stopped loving you, I promise I wont.

I cant help but blame myself, because passion doesnt fade, if it wasnt me who let it fade. Im sorry i let it happen, But i promise Ill fight to get it back.

I want to tell you so much, I want to spill my heart out to the person who I trust so much. But I am worried it will only push you away so much more. I cant do that, WE WILL work it all out.
Everything is a two way street, you have to pull your way, you have to have this optimism I have. You cant ignore my calls, my texts, my messages. Because each part is me holding you closer, because I love you.

I love you, and I love you. This is worrying me, that next we talk could be so different.
Tell me everything is going to be okay, tell me I am beautiful, tell me that I mean the world to you. Tell me you miss me. Tell me everything. AND MEAN IT. Tell me you love me. Fall inlove with me. Be inlove with me.

Baby, everything will be okay. I know it, I just do. You have to try, you have to fight. Because right now I think you are only believing everything that is bad. That nothing good can come of this, when so much that is amazing WILL come from this.

Give me some faith, i dont want to fight anymore, I dont want to hear your argumentative side. I dont want o mumble and grumble and think about what isnt there, and what was there and short it was. Days, dont matter. Time isnt an influence on what you feel, you love what you love.

And i love you despite the inconvience, or the tough stuff.

I cant wait for the summer sunshine, when we will be us. for prom, when you will be living my life, and for your prom when i will be living yours.

believe me, just promise to figure it out. dont go with logic, or inconvenience.
go with me. please, just dont let all of this leave.

I love you. I love you.
Promise me. Believe me.
It will be okay, it will be grande as a matter of fact.
Just like how we are meant to be.