Light

I try and catch a breath, but I do not have the strength to breathe. I try to have a heart, but I do not have the courage to live. My eyes do not blink, my eyes do not stare.
I do not wish to see.
My hands slowly grip my knees as I rock slowly back and forth. Perhaps the fetal position may not make the stabbing depression in my gut hurt as severe.
I am silent, a vegetable, the undead, but not quite living.

Mind is gripping structures, but sweaty palms slide down my textured mental walls
Maybe, you are still alive.
Maybe it is all a demented form of joke.
An inside plan to teach me a life lesson.
Or maybe,
You just went away for a while.

You will be back. You promised you would never leave.
A commandment etched in stone.

I manage to lurch my body to a stand, and take a few baby steps.
Wobbly, and uncertain.

I hear a voice, my peripheral vision spots an image, not so far behind.
Could it be your call? Could it be your figure?
I sense my heart, I feel a spark lit behind life less eyes.
I turn; a welcoming smile spreads across my pale lifeless cheeks.
Though it is your image I wish to greet.
Nothing more than a filmstrip of memory, playing before my grief stricken eyes.
A mockery of the mind.

I turn, and stand for moment, hands wrapping around my body, nails snagging skin.
Holding myself together.
Black demons soaring through cells remind, and repeat, what I long to forget.

If I said I love you.
Maybe just, once more.
Could you still live
For even, One more day?

My heart is twisted, grabbed and pulled. Pieces carried away with each tear I shed.
Eyes suddenly well, I cannot manage to no longer appear as a lifeless form.
Knees buckle. I lose bones and structure, and crumble to the ground.
Moans of fowl ghouls crying from my lips.
I curl into a ball. And vomit from my pain.
Vulgar colours spill from my insides as
Each feeling releases itself after every heave.

I lift my head up, ceiling light glaring in my eyes.
Hands move to cover my damp face.
Sleeves covered in charcoal black from beauty melting away
With each and every ugly thought.

I lift my body to a kneel, and look at the luminous ball. Far above my body.
I breathe, I touch my slow beating heart.
You were the light of my life.
Light dies, it dims slowly over time.
Loss of luster may darken things,
But over time things will get brighter.
Things will get brighter.
I will get brighter.