Hey there my Knight, am I still the Princess of this Fairy Tale?

Hey blog, I am sorry I have been neglecting you.
But right now I dont know where to turn.

I have to send in my college app. tomorrow, and I do want to go to post secondary. But i dont want to go there, I want to go somewhere that I feel good about going to. I know where I wanna go, and I know where I want to be. But it isnt anywhere near here, in so many ways.

I feel like crumbling, but im trying to stay strong. I cant even process what to say anymore, and the only person I want to talk about it too, is the person who I cant even talk about it too. I dont want my friends to know my pain. I dont want anyone to know.
Im fighting for it, for him, and I cant and wont let him go. I have been left, and left, countless times, and each time I feel it is my fault. I will not forget late night kisses, steamy moments, hearing I'm beautiful, and knowing that I matter so much to one person. I was living my fairy tale, after so many times of pain. I didnt have to feel it anymore, because he took it away.
Right now I just want to cry, because I want to know, maybe im still the princess of that fairy tale, and if he is still my knight.

You dont know who I am? Im that girl right from the start, with the big smile, the big opinions and big thoughts on what the world is. I still dream, and I still think way too much. I still believe that everything that matters the most, and what you think the most, you have to work for it. That's what I have been living by, and at one point, my knight lived by it too.

Now I feel like an inconvenience, and if it mattered if I disappeared for a few days. I wish March never came, I never would have gone away if I knew that I would have left you behind. I promise, I missed you everyday, I promise that I still miss you everyday. I promise, I never stopped loving you, I promise I wont.

I cant help but blame myself, because passion doesnt fade, if it wasnt me who let it fade. Im sorry i let it happen, But i promise Ill fight to get it back.

I want to tell you so much, I want to spill my heart out to the person who I trust so much. But I am worried it will only push you away so much more. I cant do that, WE WILL work it all out.
Everything is a two way street, you have to pull your way, you have to have this optimism I have. You cant ignore my calls, my texts, my messages. Because each part is me holding you closer, because I love you.

I love you, and I love you. This is worrying me, that next we talk could be so different.
Tell me everything is going to be okay, tell me I am beautiful, tell me that I mean the world to you. Tell me you miss me. Tell me everything. AND MEAN IT. Tell me you love me. Fall inlove with me. Be inlove with me.

Baby, everything will be okay. I know it, I just do. You have to try, you have to fight. Because right now I think you are only believing everything that is bad. That nothing good can come of this, when so much that is amazing WILL come from this.

Give me some faith, i dont want to fight anymore, I dont want to hear your argumentative side. I dont want o mumble and grumble and think about what isnt there, and what was there and short it was. Days, dont matter. Time isnt an influence on what you feel, you love what you love.

And i love you despite the inconvience, or the tough stuff.

I cant wait for the summer sunshine, when we will be us. for prom, when you will be living my life, and for your prom when i will be living yours.

believe me, just promise to figure it out. dont go with logic, or inconvenience.
go with me. please, just dont let all of this leave.

I love you. I love you.
Promise me. Believe me.
It will be okay, it will be grande as a matter of fact.
Just like how we are meant to be.

Truth

In these circles Ive been running, Ive covered many miles.
Opening up
Sinking in

Should I be afraid to trust?
Echos through my head the notions I fear to be true
Feeling able in a way I haven't felt in a while.
Your miraculous

Stop to believe, stupid girl. Should Have known.
Though time ticks, we believe in what we fear the most
In hopes it can't be true

Inner beauty I believe
Though a devil's smile can easily deceive
I will take your hand down the garden path
In hope's to truly see

Eyes lie
Windows of the soul can be foggy
Not all truths can hide

But as I fall into the appearance I can not blind
I smile so wide
Chiseled into the image In hopes you will believe

The words ringing in my ear
Sweet and serene
It is your hope that is leading me

Crazy Crazy Crazy

In mind, for you.
Perhaps I'm the beauty
You are the beast
Behind a mask that can not breath.

Your beautiful inside and out.
And as I fall into your every word
I pray that perhaps In fear of loving you
I will not be losing you

Anytime Now

Before life gets complicated
Before I become more than who I am now
Before obligations and expectations fill my path between dreams and reality
Before I make the break from then and now
Before I realize the world of innocence is gone, childrens play is there and gone lawsuits at hand, taxing the right to live freely, seeking redemption, wanting vindication.
Before I realize everything I had is gone
Before I realize nothing will be the same again
Before I realize I have to lock the toy box away
Before I become the childhood dream, the peter pan foe, the adult who bites his tongue and tucks away for later days that never come.
Before I'm gone.

Hearts Break, Smiles Fade

As I sit here, I am over come of thoughts of you.
Now, this may come to no surprise to you,
Seeing as how together, or apart we have influenced each others lives.
Secret admiration's, quite smitten, in love, broken hearts.
Dreading each others sight, thinking things we never had the guts to say.
Saying things we never meant to say.
And everything in between.


I should hate you.
For rising me up so high I could touch the stars.
I should hate you.
For letting me fall for you.
I should hate you.
For letting me get so close to you

I love you, and that is what stabs

Feelings confided in someone I wanted to save

Knight in Shining Armour, a loser in tin foil

A name tag across your chest should say

'Starting today, the rest of your life, will never be the same'

We all say things we dont mean.
We all believe in dreams that will never come true.
Fairy tales lack happy endings.
Not all love lasts.

hearts break
smiles fade.

Forever is a long time from now.

"Im going to love you forever"

"Forever is a long time from now"

"It isn't long enough"

It is a big deal.

I will never forget this, and maybe deep down somewhere, you want that.

I can't even pretend you aren't there, a part of me. When you so clearly are.

No rest, no break, no you.

Every migrane, that squeezes my brain in a nausiating pulse. Its you.

Every anxiety attack that strikes me in the middle of my classes, watching tv. Its you.

Every time I close my eyes and hoping for a night of relief, I just keep dreaming. Of you.

You changed your mind, you forgot. They play out over and over again and each time you end up kissing me, holding me close, and I can feel the warmth of your skin pressed against my chest.

Then I open my eyes, the light creeps in from the curtains, and I find I wake up crying.

It was just a dream. You werent really there, but your still right beside me.

I can still smell you. Did you know that?

You loved me, I sat there snuggled in your arms, on starry night in the middle of no where.

And at that moment I felt like everything wrong went right.

I sit here, shattered, trying to pick up the pieces, glue them back together into a mangled form of myself. I know I love you, I can feel it creeping through my veins like the poison you are.

I cant help but still be there. I promised to hold your hand through the good and the bad.

If you couldnt manage your next breath, I would be your air.

Yes, perhaps I still want to believe in fairy tales. That past my cynical heart there is still that bit of magic few of us rarely get the chance to find.

I count the days, the occurences, over and over again. Trying to find the line before where it went right to wrong.

One day you were drawing hearts and arrows across my leg, snuggling in your arms, saying you dont want to be apart from me, and that those who thought we wouldnt fix it were wrong.

The next I was there, holding your hand through my words, talking to you telling you that all of it was going to be okay. You replied telling me I was so good to you, and you love me more than anyone.

The next day I was not in the best of moods but instead of burdening you with my problems I just let you have fun drinking it up with your friends. Because I was unable to be there.

You wanted me to tell you everything because you couldnt have fun knowing I wasnt okay. You told me you loved me so much and that you wished I could have been there that night.

What went wrong.

Suddenly you never wanted me to speak to you again.

Suddenly I was stupid, annoying.

Suddenly there was someone else.

I should hate you, I should scream at you.

But I cant help but just fall apart and love you.

I am afraid, I was afraid, that everything I found good, would crumble under my toes and I couldnt find the floor. Maybe you were just as afraid.

Taunt

Somthing I have learned. Its life is short lived.

I may cry my eyes out and get over excited to my Greys Anatomy every day after 3oclock.

But life is short lived. I am seventeen, and in a moment, one wrong step, this moment would no longer exist. Looking back, I most certainly had regrets, thinking that if I had said somthing diffrent, did somthing different, I wouldnt be here now. I had regrets.

I realized, from observing and spending more time thinking than I probably should.

Everything does happen for a reason, often things we can not explain. But it does.

You have to take the good with the bad. You dont really realize everything you have till you have nothing at all.

If love, had not faded. Sure, I would probably still be there with you right now.

But really would that have been what made me happy?

Because sitting here right now, I dont think of you.

I think of him. I may have infact cared about you at one point, but not now.

Taunting me with her, trying to get a rise, a reaction.

You wont get one.

Because I love him. I think of him first when I wake up, and last when I go to sleep.

You cant haunt me because I have been haunting you.

Im being stronger, I cut you out.

Who are we really?

Who are we? Who are we really?

We put on those brave faces, the tough faces, the pretty faces. But is that really who we are?
Make up may cover the blemishes, but not the truth. A mask we portray.

Confidence, often we hate those cocky and so sure of themselves. But really, are they?

Are they secretly insecure, so UNsure of themselves they can barely contain it?

Who are we really.

Many people have surprised me, and its often those I never thought I could ever be surprised by. But I guess thats what a surprise is.

Those that we assume, lack knowledge and understanding, are sometimes the ones with the most sense. Through my experiences, the people that are commonly brushed aside are some of the most loyal and understanding individuals I have met.

Smoke it up, Drink it down.

These are not morals I support; a lifestyle I would choose.

But we all have our demons, are secretive ways to cope with the pain and distraught.

Who are we to judge that the right way to deal with what we feel,

Some drink, Some smoke, Some cut.

Who are we, to disapprove of pain.

The ones that appear to have it all, the looks, the abilities and the social status.

The ones their peers strive to be, an image, is an image. Simply an illusion.

They dream of being more, they wish to be so much less then they are, we all have our beliefs of who we are, despite how we present ourselves to the world.

Myself, I would say, I have no clue who I am.

People see me in a light, I don't see myself.

A beautiful, intelligent and unlike anyone else; I see myself, as normal, an average, who is klutzy and a lot of passion for what I believe in.

I don't have myself put together, with my procrastinations and unsureness.

I get emotional and upset at what I can not understand.

I understand my negative sides, the positive I only look past in disbelief.

Who are we really? The appearance or the core, I suppose it is a bit of both, only what we are and who we choose to be is the clash and the disbelief.

Who are we really, think about it for yourself. The 'It' girl as she strolls down the hall with her fake tan and designer jeans, or the 'Stoner' walking with swagger, a smoke behind his ear.

Who are they behind the image, and their own insecurities and their realities.

Lets step back and breath, we all have blood running through our veins, and the heart beating in our chest. Made of the same parts, We are all not that different from one other.