Pieces of a person

Sometimes, I feel I am made of up of pieces of a person, because I cant imagine myself feel whole.

I hate those moments, when the anxiety blankets over you, causing your heart to beat at a peculiar pace. If only I could explain the things I could, though in previous blogs I always speak of how disastrous that society has become with the need for love, and not the desire.

I feel I need love. Because when I have someone I care about deeply, and them at my side caring about me to. I am complete, but then I soon think of all the reasons they arent happy, or all the things they do to me or behind my back. I cant be happy with myself and I cant enjoy what is making me happy.

Im at the point I cant believe anyone. We are all so full of lies, we as in humans.

I keep missing my ex, and when it was brought to my attention earlier today that I may head down his way into his town. I felt the need to see him, hug him and cry so hard for everything I have hid inside. I know this isnt the right choice by anyway.

The other person I am seeing, I wish I knew he gave an inch for my feelings. His action and real life words, are yes, not matching his pathetic texts by not giving me the time of day to respond to them. I am aware this post is completely hypocritical to my previous post.

But the truth is, I am tired of the drama and this sicking overwhelming gush i get swimming through my body.

Is it to much to find one who is really truly there without a battle or without hesitance?

I think you only find those when your 82 and in your old folks home, when the men and women only care about death and no more mind games and teases.

I would give anything to trust my decision and someone to trust me enough to keep at it, and fight for me. Say good morning, say good night. These are small gestures but enough to at least show that person was on your mind and meant enough to let them know something so small.

My heart aches, it is actually just ripping and pounding.

I want to feel the fireworks, and the desire and those moments and memories.

I want to hold hands, and have first kisses and just feel so safe and secure because you know that person so well its okay.

I miss all of thats, and I want all of that. So show me someone to trust, someone to love and be loved by. And maybe for once, my heart feel whole again, and I can stop living as pieces of a person who is trying to fit together.

Dreamt of past people, of memories we never shared.

At this point in life, I'm realizing how purely messed up the world is and is becoming.

Love is obsession, need and fixation, not what it is meant to be.

Desire and want. A fine line separates them, but so much differs them.

I dreamt last night of my Ex. Possibly because yesterday was his prom/grad in which I was meant to attend. It was like we were giving each other a second chance, and it was like he never said or did the things he had done. My dream progressed as we went to the movies and by the end of the movie we were snuggled up lying down falling asleep. I rememeber how it felt to kiss him, but as my dream carried on, the face of the boy was not my ex. but someone else. I remember running my fingers through his hair and his arms around my waist, all in a dream. But none was real.

Last night I was very upset because a person I am seeing was making no effort to talk with me through my horrible day, and just ignored my texts.

Cell phones, I had gone 2 months without one since my ex and I broke up. And now I'm feeling why did I even bother getting one, they cause so much drama, over text.

This is a pathetic form of communication, using trivial, usually shortened words fit into a cyber spaced 140 character message. And that is meant to express all our feelings and real love?

No, if you feel something if something is real express it in the form its meant to be in.

WORDS. Your voice corresponding with another.

'Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.' -- Greys Anatomy

I myself, I would say am quote hungry. I try and find messages of wisdom to maybe make my issues make more sense. And this is probably one of my favorite quotations, because it is one of the most truthful.

As technology comes more and more to us, we are losing each other and real sense of who we are. Wrapped up in what we could be, then whom we are. It is so easy to put a fake face on over a text or a fb message. Maybe thats part of look, or you are just scared.

Something I myself find would be one of the nicest things, is if someone that is within my interest would come up to me and ask me out on a date, that they had put thought into, and tell me something of care. Ex. You seem really nice, fun and someone I would like to get to know.

A genuine interest and compliment.

But for right now, we will have to settle with the fake emotions of electronic wording, feelings faked, frusteration fizzling and all around being lost with ourselves and those around us.

So for now, we will just live out of our dreams with people of the past and memories we never shared.

Hey there my Knight, am I still the Princess of this Fairy Tale?

Hey blog, I am sorry I have been neglecting you.
But right now I dont know where to turn.

I have to send in my college app. tomorrow, and I do want to go to post secondary. But i dont want to go there, I want to go somewhere that I feel good about going to. I know where I wanna go, and I know where I want to be. But it isnt anywhere near here, in so many ways.

I feel like crumbling, but im trying to stay strong. I cant even process what to say anymore, and the only person I want to talk about it too, is the person who I cant even talk about it too. I dont want my friends to know my pain. I dont want anyone to know.
Im fighting for it, for him, and I cant and wont let him go. I have been left, and left, countless times, and each time I feel it is my fault. I will not forget late night kisses, steamy moments, hearing I'm beautiful, and knowing that I matter so much to one person. I was living my fairy tale, after so many times of pain. I didnt have to feel it anymore, because he took it away.
Right now I just want to cry, because I want to know, maybe im still the princess of that fairy tale, and if he is still my knight.

You dont know who I am? Im that girl right from the start, with the big smile, the big opinions and big thoughts on what the world is. I still dream, and I still think way too much. I still believe that everything that matters the most, and what you think the most, you have to work for it. That's what I have been living by, and at one point, my knight lived by it too.

Now I feel like an inconvenience, and if it mattered if I disappeared for a few days. I wish March never came, I never would have gone away if I knew that I would have left you behind. I promise, I missed you everyday, I promise that I still miss you everyday. I promise, I never stopped loving you, I promise I wont.

I cant help but blame myself, because passion doesnt fade, if it wasnt me who let it fade. Im sorry i let it happen, But i promise Ill fight to get it back.

I want to tell you so much, I want to spill my heart out to the person who I trust so much. But I am worried it will only push you away so much more. I cant do that, WE WILL work it all out.
Everything is a two way street, you have to pull your way, you have to have this optimism I have. You cant ignore my calls, my texts, my messages. Because each part is me holding you closer, because I love you.

I love you, and I love you. This is worrying me, that next we talk could be so different.
Tell me everything is going to be okay, tell me I am beautiful, tell me that I mean the world to you. Tell me you miss me. Tell me everything. AND MEAN IT. Tell me you love me. Fall inlove with me. Be inlove with me.

Baby, everything will be okay. I know it, I just do. You have to try, you have to fight. Because right now I think you are only believing everything that is bad. That nothing good can come of this, when so much that is amazing WILL come from this.

Give me some faith, i dont want to fight anymore, I dont want to hear your argumentative side. I dont want o mumble and grumble and think about what isnt there, and what was there and short it was. Days, dont matter. Time isnt an influence on what you feel, you love what you love.

And i love you despite the inconvience, or the tough stuff.

I cant wait for the summer sunshine, when we will be us. for prom, when you will be living my life, and for your prom when i will be living yours.

believe me, just promise to figure it out. dont go with logic, or inconvenience.
go with me. please, just dont let all of this leave.

I love you. I love you.
Promise me. Believe me.
It will be okay, it will be grande as a matter of fact.
Just like how we are meant to be.

Truth

In these circles Ive been running, Ive covered many miles.
Opening up
Sinking in

Should I be afraid to trust?
Echos through my head the notions I fear to be true
Feeling able in a way I haven't felt in a while.
Your miraculous

Stop to believe, stupid girl. Should Have known.
Though time ticks, we believe in what we fear the most
In hopes it can't be true

Inner beauty I believe
Though a devil's smile can easily deceive
I will take your hand down the garden path
In hope's to truly see

Eyes lie
Windows of the soul can be foggy
Not all truths can hide

But as I fall into the appearance I can not blind
I smile so wide
Chiseled into the image In hopes you will believe

The words ringing in my ear
Sweet and serene
It is your hope that is leading me

Crazy Crazy Crazy

In mind, for you.
Perhaps I'm the beauty
You are the beast
Behind a mask that can not breath.

Your beautiful inside and out.
And as I fall into your every word
I pray that perhaps In fear of loving you
I will not be losing you

Anytime Now

Before life gets complicated
Before I become more than who I am now
Before obligations and expectations fill my path between dreams and reality
Before I make the break from then and now
Before I realize the world of innocence is gone, childrens play is there and gone lawsuits at hand, taxing the right to live freely, seeking redemption, wanting vindication.
Before I realize everything I had is gone
Before I realize nothing will be the same again
Before I realize I have to lock the toy box away
Before I become the childhood dream, the peter pan foe, the adult who bites his tongue and tucks away for later days that never come.
Before I'm gone.

Hearts Break, Smiles Fade

As I sit here, I am over come of thoughts of you.
Now, this may come to no surprise to you,
Seeing as how together, or apart we have influenced each others lives.
Secret admiration's, quite smitten, in love, broken hearts.
Dreading each others sight, thinking things we never had the guts to say.
Saying things we never meant to say.
And everything in between.


I should hate you.
For rising me up so high I could touch the stars.
I should hate you.
For letting me fall for you.
I should hate you.
For letting me get so close to you

I love you, and that is what stabs

Feelings confided in someone I wanted to save

Knight in Shining Armour, a loser in tin foil

A name tag across your chest should say

'Starting today, the rest of your life, will never be the same'

We all say things we dont mean.
We all believe in dreams that will never come true.
Fairy tales lack happy endings.
Not all love lasts.

hearts break
smiles fade.

Forever is a long time from now.

"Im going to love you forever"

"Forever is a long time from now"

"It isn't long enough"

It is a big deal.

I will never forget this, and maybe deep down somewhere, you want that.

I can't even pretend you aren't there, a part of me. When you so clearly are.

No rest, no break, no you.

Every migrane, that squeezes my brain in a nausiating pulse. Its you.

Every anxiety attack that strikes me in the middle of my classes, watching tv. Its you.

Every time I close my eyes and hoping for a night of relief, I just keep dreaming. Of you.

You changed your mind, you forgot. They play out over and over again and each time you end up kissing me, holding me close, and I can feel the warmth of your skin pressed against my chest.

Then I open my eyes, the light creeps in from the curtains, and I find I wake up crying.

It was just a dream. You werent really there, but your still right beside me.

I can still smell you. Did you know that?

You loved me, I sat there snuggled in your arms, on starry night in the middle of no where.

And at that moment I felt like everything wrong went right.

I sit here, shattered, trying to pick up the pieces, glue them back together into a mangled form of myself. I know I love you, I can feel it creeping through my veins like the poison you are.

I cant help but still be there. I promised to hold your hand through the good and the bad.

If you couldnt manage your next breath, I would be your air.

Yes, perhaps I still want to believe in fairy tales. That past my cynical heart there is still that bit of magic few of us rarely get the chance to find.

I count the days, the occurences, over and over again. Trying to find the line before where it went right to wrong.

One day you were drawing hearts and arrows across my leg, snuggling in your arms, saying you dont want to be apart from me, and that those who thought we wouldnt fix it were wrong.

The next I was there, holding your hand through my words, talking to you telling you that all of it was going to be okay. You replied telling me I was so good to you, and you love me more than anyone.

The next day I was not in the best of moods but instead of burdening you with my problems I just let you have fun drinking it up with your friends. Because I was unable to be there.

You wanted me to tell you everything because you couldnt have fun knowing I wasnt okay. You told me you loved me so much and that you wished I could have been there that night.

What went wrong.

Suddenly you never wanted me to speak to you again.

Suddenly I was stupid, annoying.

Suddenly there was someone else.

I should hate you, I should scream at you.

But I cant help but just fall apart and love you.

I am afraid, I was afraid, that everything I found good, would crumble under my toes and I couldnt find the floor. Maybe you were just as afraid.