Hearts Break, Smiles Fade

As I sit here, I am over come of thoughts of you.
Now, this may come to no surprise to you,
Seeing as how together, or apart we have influenced each others lives.
Secret admiration's, quite smitten, in love, broken hearts.
Dreading each others sight, thinking things we never had the guts to say.
Saying things we never meant to say.
And everything in between.


I should hate you.
For rising me up so high I could touch the stars.
I should hate you.
For letting me fall for you.
I should hate you.
For letting me get so close to you

I love you, and that is what stabs

Feelings confided in someone I wanted to save

Knight in Shining Armour, a loser in tin foil

A name tag across your chest should say

'Starting today, the rest of your life, will never be the same'

We all say things we dont mean.
We all believe in dreams that will never come true.
Fairy tales lack happy endings.
Not all love lasts.

hearts break
smiles fade.

Forever is a long time from now.

"Im going to love you forever"

"Forever is a long time from now"

"It isn't long enough"

It is a big deal.

I will never forget this, and maybe deep down somewhere, you want that.

I can't even pretend you aren't there, a part of me. When you so clearly are.

No rest, no break, no you.

Every migrane, that squeezes my brain in a nausiating pulse. Its you.

Every anxiety attack that strikes me in the middle of my classes, watching tv. Its you.

Every time I close my eyes and hoping for a night of relief, I just keep dreaming. Of you.

You changed your mind, you forgot. They play out over and over again and each time you end up kissing me, holding me close, and I can feel the warmth of your skin pressed against my chest.

Then I open my eyes, the light creeps in from the curtains, and I find I wake up crying.

It was just a dream. You werent really there, but your still right beside me.

I can still smell you. Did you know that?

You loved me, I sat there snuggled in your arms, on starry night in the middle of no where.

And at that moment I felt like everything wrong went right.

I sit here, shattered, trying to pick up the pieces, glue them back together into a mangled form of myself. I know I love you, I can feel it creeping through my veins like the poison you are.

I cant help but still be there. I promised to hold your hand through the good and the bad.

If you couldnt manage your next breath, I would be your air.

Yes, perhaps I still want to believe in fairy tales. That past my cynical heart there is still that bit of magic few of us rarely get the chance to find.

I count the days, the occurences, over and over again. Trying to find the line before where it went right to wrong.

One day you were drawing hearts and arrows across my leg, snuggling in your arms, saying you dont want to be apart from me, and that those who thought we wouldnt fix it were wrong.

The next I was there, holding your hand through my words, talking to you telling you that all of it was going to be okay. You replied telling me I was so good to you, and you love me more than anyone.

The next day I was not in the best of moods but instead of burdening you with my problems I just let you have fun drinking it up with your friends. Because I was unable to be there.

You wanted me to tell you everything because you couldnt have fun knowing I wasnt okay. You told me you loved me so much and that you wished I could have been there that night.

What went wrong.

Suddenly you never wanted me to speak to you again.

Suddenly I was stupid, annoying.

Suddenly there was someone else.

I should hate you, I should scream at you.

But I cant help but just fall apart and love you.

I am afraid, I was afraid, that everything I found good, would crumble under my toes and I couldnt find the floor. Maybe you were just as afraid.

Taunt

Somthing I have learned. Its life is short lived.

I may cry my eyes out and get over excited to my Greys Anatomy every day after 3oclock.

But life is short lived. I am seventeen, and in a moment, one wrong step, this moment would no longer exist. Looking back, I most certainly had regrets, thinking that if I had said somthing diffrent, did somthing different, I wouldnt be here now. I had regrets.

I realized, from observing and spending more time thinking than I probably should.

Everything does happen for a reason, often things we can not explain. But it does.

You have to take the good with the bad. You dont really realize everything you have till you have nothing at all.

If love, had not faded. Sure, I would probably still be there with you right now.

But really would that have been what made me happy?

Because sitting here right now, I dont think of you.

I think of him. I may have infact cared about you at one point, but not now.

Taunting me with her, trying to get a rise, a reaction.

You wont get one.

Because I love him. I think of him first when I wake up, and last when I go to sleep.

You cant haunt me because I have been haunting you.

Im being stronger, I cut you out.

Who are we really?

Who are we? Who are we really?

We put on those brave faces, the tough faces, the pretty faces. But is that really who we are?
Make up may cover the blemishes, but not the truth. A mask we portray.

Confidence, often we hate those cocky and so sure of themselves. But really, are they?

Are they secretly insecure, so UNsure of themselves they can barely contain it?

Who are we really.

Many people have surprised me, and its often those I never thought I could ever be surprised by. But I guess thats what a surprise is.

Those that we assume, lack knowledge and understanding, are sometimes the ones with the most sense. Through my experiences, the people that are commonly brushed aside are some of the most loyal and understanding individuals I have met.

Smoke it up, Drink it down.

These are not morals I support; a lifestyle I would choose.

But we all have our demons, are secretive ways to cope with the pain and distraught.

Who are we to judge that the right way to deal with what we feel,

Some drink, Some smoke, Some cut.

Who are we, to disapprove of pain.

The ones that appear to have it all, the looks, the abilities and the social status.

The ones their peers strive to be, an image, is an image. Simply an illusion.

They dream of being more, they wish to be so much less then they are, we all have our beliefs of who we are, despite how we present ourselves to the world.

Myself, I would say, I have no clue who I am.

People see me in a light, I don't see myself.

A beautiful, intelligent and unlike anyone else; I see myself, as normal, an average, who is klutzy and a lot of passion for what I believe in.

I don't have myself put together, with my procrastinations and unsureness.

I get emotional and upset at what I can not understand.

I understand my negative sides, the positive I only look past in disbelief.

Who are we really? The appearance or the core, I suppose it is a bit of both, only what we are and who we choose to be is the clash and the disbelief.

Who are we really, think about it for yourself. The 'It' girl as she strolls down the hall with her fake tan and designer jeans, or the 'Stoner' walking with swagger, a smoke behind his ear.

Who are they behind the image, and their own insecurities and their realities.

Lets step back and breath, we all have blood running through our veins, and the heart beating in our chest. Made of the same parts, We are all not that different from one other.

I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know. "

-- Greys Anatomy


Holding on, Its something that I myself need to learn to let go. Relationships at this age many have said to me, Is it really worth all of the struggle. And through the heartbreak, hurt words, and misinterrupted feelings, I would still say Yes. Because even though at this moment, every inch of me aches. Not from physical impact, but from the words crushing and breaking every bone.

I would choose to go through it all to have that good.

Because in love, we make sacrafises. And I am sacrafising myself, my well being, every inch of sanity. All for love and affection, to have you caress my skin, kiss my forehead, held in your arms away from the world, away from its demons.


Tell me it's going to be okay. I won't ever need to be afraid again, we wont be back at this fork in the road between right and wrong.


Right can so easily lead to worse, and wrong can even more easily become unbearable.
I would choose to make it right. Because even though I know, it will end up
leading nowhere
but a dead end.
Id rather feel something than nothing at all.


I will love you, because even though its hurting me to care.
And breaking my heart to know that road from right to wrong its so close to my
finger tips but so uncontrollable, I will still always choose.
To love you.
Because Id rather feel something than nothing at all.

----
Im not breaking my promise, Im holding you to it not to break yours.

-----
funny how things change, and other things will always stay the same.

Wrote November 24th 2009

Good bye to the years.

I remember when I was younger, or when we were all younger. Never in our lives did we believe we would experience real pain. Not the broken arm or fractured ankle. But broken hearts.
The pain that never really goes away, the cuts that only scab.
At this moment, I feel emotional. So much seemed to have struck me in a matter of days. And now I'm overwhelmed, with no one to share the load. Though I'm only, barely, seventeen. I have realized so much, I observe. People may say 'things just go through my head', they are so wrong.
I take everything in, I remember everything that matters. Every perfect moment, every insulting word. Vaulted. I'm not so dim as you may take me as.

As I have sat here, on my couch, in my car, or laying in my bed till all hours of the night, heart beating at an pace I could never count. There is much I have thought about, obsessed over.
I put my whole heart into some people, the ones that really matter, and hope it does not get crushed. I could be overbearing, I could read to much into it, or not let it go.
But when you put your whole heart into something, would you not be the same way?
I have a big heart, I may make many mistakes, say stupid things, make a fool of myself, and be a royal pain. But I have a big heart. And when I say I love you. Part of me if not all of me, will love you for the rest of my life.

Goodbye high school. Goodbye to those that used to matter. Goodbye to me.

Final year. I have to grit and bare it, wait for my life to start. The bills, the responsibility, the agreement that your no longer mommy's little girl, you are your own woman.
Excitement stirs in my peers, when I'm casting a shadow.
And on that final day, when we throw our hats in the air, hug each other, and smile so wide our faces may split. Ill stand there and cry. I will walk through the halls letting my feet memorize the ground and my fingers hold onto the walls. So years from now, they will all know.
I was here. Part of me, will always be here.

Memories are fading, friendships are disappearing. What happened to friendship bracelets, secrets just our own, and best friends forever? It left with the night.
I may spill my heart to one person, and soon, five people know my confessions.
Assumptions made become the talk of the town, she is anorexic, she is bulimic, he is gay, he said he would only stay with her if she wore those kind of clothes, she is such a whore. True story. These are words that have filled my ears.

From young children, we were taught respect and discipline. Do what your told, and the bad wont come to you. Brush your teeth, eat your vegetables, clean your room. Now we all have a new type of cleaning up to do.

When in reality, we are all victims of the morals instilled in us. From our parents teachings, to that big purple dinosaur reffered to as Barney.
We all need to make our own mistakes to grow. You have to take the bad with the good, the break ups, the bad times, the arguments. Tears your swimming in, anger your lost in.
Errors, help with our corrections. Make us stronger, make us weaker.

" I love to do the things the censors won't pass."
" If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere."
" Well behaved women rarely make history "
~ Marilyn Monroe

What happened to our regard, and self respect.
Girls striving to be thin, counting calories, lessing meals every day. I myself, know I have become a victim of this horror.

Caught up on apperances, what we should be, whether than who we are.
Yourself isnt good enough, be more like him, strive to be like her.
Soon we will no longer be a race of individuals, but only a cult of clones.


Good bye to individuality. Good bye to what we once knew. Good bye to innocence.

Good bye to the years
Hello to the horror.

To the friendships that fall apart

I originally sent this to my friend Cole. But then reading it again, its something I wish to say to everyone who touched my life, but isn't really apart of it anymore.
So this is the version, going out to everyone who means something. Because it is to all of you.

You know, I know I have said this over and over again. But really, I miss you. I miss how tight we used to be. Talking late night for hours, jokes that never got old. I miss being best friends, now when we pass through the halls its like we don't even know each other.
I know we are all growing into different people and growing apart from what was once familiar. And in this final year, I feel that if we aren't connecting now, when we are so able to, with school and easy to access technology. We never really will again.

Losing the people that meant the most to me, and have impacted my life in such a way through the good and the bad, scares me.
Because its like I'm loosing a piece of myself. A piece that through the years, hours, and minutes. You helped create.

I just miss you. You and I always hit it off, we always clicked right from the start.
This isn't a love letter as I'm quite sure you know that. But just knowing, once we were always there for each other, laughing till we cried, talking through each other through the break ups, the hard times, or what we just weren't sure of. And now, I have to look at you like a stranger.
Because I'm scared in time, that's all we will be.

I just needed to say that, I'm not expecting it to change anything, or you to reply saying I'm sorry and things to go back to how they were.
I just figured. I need to say it all, because I may never get the chance to really say it again.

I love you.
You've always been one of my favorite people
I know Ill never forget you.

I hope you never forget me either.
No matter what happens, or what doesn't.
You'll always be one of those people that helped make me who I am
and who I'll always be glad to call my friend.