Yes, I believe in Love.

I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't know if it is because I have constantly been sick from everything I consume

Or stress.

I really hate this anxiety, waking up with it, and dealing with its attacks through out the day... leading my mind to various questions I need answers to.

Promise me, it will go back to being the same.

I think that right now, that is my biggest fear. Though I am trying to keep some type of normalcy, it so far from it at times. Sometimes I sit here and think, if you just said

'Hey Babe :)' It would make it all better, just letting me know, I am on your mind.

But then I sit here, and look at my boxy purple phone and wonder.

Do you ever think about me, like how I am thinking about you?

Do you ever crave my lips and the feeling of my skin,

or even just the look in my eyes, looking at you?

Hands around my waist, legs around your waist, hand at the back of neck - fingers in my hair.

Feeling your kiss against my skin. Your smile, your eyes widen, all the little things I notice you do. I can't help but miss them. Do you ever notice the little things, and miss them too?

I can be the best friend, hell, you already were one of mine. But tell me it wont be that way forever, that you mean what you say and you'll fight it make it come true.

I need love to be restored in my mind, that people really do

Say What They Mean, and Mean What They Say

I suppose it is stupid, venting to a blog, in which you could easily read. But maybe that is why like it so much. Vindication. I can state my case without argument, and still prove my point.

How many ways in life can you do that so simply?

I am such a dreamer. In a way, I hate it about myself. I have my head above the clouds and think about everything I want to do and be. Everything I want and how it should go.

I have always been one for make-believe and fantasies.

And when I find something, that fits into part of that little fairytale in my head,

Jesus. I believe in it more than anything.

In a way that is how it should be. Everyone has their passions, I suppose the idea of love has been mine. I love the idea of two people, who connect so well in so many ways, it is easy.

They can laugh, and talk, be comfortable around each other in general, naked, when ill or even just looking like crap. Or when you have a fight, and blow up at each other for all the common stress around you; you slam the door and start the car but come home that night and cuddle up in bed, kiss on the forehead and say 'Baby, I am so sorry for today'. And there is no fear either of you... will go anywhere.

Isn't that amazing?

I always did believe 'love' was past the flowers, the chocolates and the diamond ring. Don't get me wrong, I love diamond rings. But I always thought, that friendship where you can drive around late at night, listening to your favorite song, hearing each others meaningless rambles that still have so much value... where you listen, laugh and sympathize, mattered more than the cheezy stereotypical love tokens ever could. And when you stop at that red light, and you lean over to kiss, just because, just in that moment. Isn't that love?

The little things are the big things, when he knows your favorite cup of coffee... or even just puts in the attempt because it matters to you. Isn't that the greatest sign of care?

Putting in the effort to show you care, and then having the rest come naturally through conversation and everyday actions. That is real.

We can look past the sex and the physical passion, which can die. Due to injury, or simply when you come to that old age and need to take viagra. Tragedy.

Id rather have good conversation and laughs that bring me closer to a person, then no relationship and just sex.

Why am I rambling about this? I am sitting on my couch, with a penguin blanket and pillow, craving a green tea latte and thinking I need to study before work :( B.S.

I really dont like christmas, and my mom is going hardcore and being immature. And I really dislike christmas.

Something my mother stated to me, probably 2 weeks ago, was

'It is so nice you will have someone for christmas' and she proceeded to tell all her friends that she was happy I would not be alone for the holidays.

That changed.

You know when you look back on things and remember things that didn't matter so much at the time, but really do now? Lately I have been wanting to cuddle naked, under the covers.

Feeling the body heat, fingers memorizing ever muscle and skin. The scent of Fiji.

It kinda has become my favorite smell.

Eating sushi and failing, wrestling, or tickling the sensitive areas, watching the squirming. Maybe I would have stopped worrying so much, or just sat there and looked a little more and let my fingers feel a little more.

Because I am realizing more and more through these days, that the little things are the big things. I am just a stupid sob story I guess.

But as I said, my biggest fear right now, is not getting back what I had.

Lately, I have kind of been treated non existant, and not even deserving the benefit or mature conversation. But, when I hear that voice in my ear, I become way to forgiving. Such a push over I can be, but just because I have been hurt... doesn't mean I need to be a bitch and hurt back.

Despite what everyone tells me.

I guess I am so tired of being let down, and also... being a let down myself. Through my friends, my mother, and well.. the obvious.

Please don't let me down this week. Don't let me down.

Truth is, I do believe in love, I believe in its passion, and I believe in all the corny things that go with it that makes it happen. The songs that come on with Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift and Boys like Girls that get the butterfly effect when you happen to be together. I love the hand holding where everyone can see, the romantic kiss where people turn heads and say

'Thats adorable, I wish that was me'

The compliments on how good you look together, the couplie pictures. Even falling asleep to a movie, kissing your cheek so unsuspecting when his arms are tight around you. Wearing his clothes, when you could easily wear your own, throwing pumpkin guts and making cookies. Bragging to the world, they are yours. Yes, I believe in the cheezy romantic love and everything that comes with it. It is quite ridiculous, how far I will go for things I really do believe in.

I fight to the death for what I want.

If I want something, I go for it until I can get it.

So right now, I really am believeing in love. That what we had before, and even still kind of have now... will shine through the misfortune we have to deal with today. That promises will be kept, I will kiss you on New Years, I will get the stupid flowers and chocolate on Valentines Day, and redo my prom, so I can have it the right way. I can wake up to you every morning, and decorating a home with picture frames and make scrambled eggs, even though I hate scrambled eggs. I can explore the land down under. Yes, I probably, well I know I am getting way ahead of myself, but I remember everything said to me by someone that matters.

And I believe in him so much, for everything he does, because he has so much amazing stuff to him. And I know even when he is just an asshole, and I am annoying and insecure. He still makes me happy.

But my one concern right now, if I believe in love so much.

Why do I feel like, I could easily cry?

'You can't just say I love you, You have to live I love you.'

I could live a life of Marvel, But I choose a life of love.

I sat in the shower today, that is right. I sat.

I didn't have the energy to stand, the strength to stay upright.

So I sat, and felt the water hit my head, run through my hair.

I remember sitting there, thinking. 'Why can't all rain be this warm?'

And for a second, I didn't focus on the warmth washing over my shoulders and spine.

But the sound of the water pounding down on the metal of my bathtub,

the individual drops hitting my palms, and the rest as it seeps in the cracks and folds

of where my legs bend, my head hangs, and my eyes close.

It reminded me of something, the only thing, thought I cannot remember the name;

that I learned in psychology. The things in our brain we are so used to we turn off.

I hate the things I am used to, I want to learn the things I don't anymore.

I thought I was. I always have been afraid for the things that betrayed me.

Water, you swept me under your waves, depriving me the thing I know best.

To breathe.

And all you boys who broke my heart, who I took a risk to trust, who I put my heart into love.

You took the thing I knew best, the ability, to breathe.

Whats worse, being with someone who doesn't love you... Or not being with someone who does?

All I have ever wanted in my life, but never really had, was stability. The comfort to know,

what I had was security.

I remember the day I felt it hit me, those fireworks feelings, that rush that hits you when everything goes right? He held my hand behind the seat, and listened to me as I vented the things I don't care about, care to much about and hate about my life.

We went for a stroll under the dark lights, and I kissed him; it honestly never felt so right.

I never made the move to kiss a boy before, I was a virgin at it I suppose.

From that day, my life changed.

How is it fair, that you can have the benefits, the girl who loves you, her body, her lips,

her eyes only for you. That she will wait for you, and wont stop caring, because you mean that much. When she has every reason to walk away from you. And not look back?

And you cant even do her the decency, of saying she is your girl. Claiming ownership, or even.

Saying you are seeing each other, no obligations to be with anyone else, or even to say your are the BF/GF relationship. But just the courtesy so the world knows, you still have the interest and you still have the care. As much as I want to kiss you and sleep with you, and love you. I need something in return, I refuse to be the friends the benefits, or the fuck buddy.

Its to easy for you, to hard for me.

Have the respect, to care about me.

Its like sitting in the shower, you don't realize all the little things around you. Until they slowly hit you, and how much they matter. That is love isn't it?

I am not a patient person, and I don't do well with what I cannot understand.

There is a lyric, from some song I don't remember.

'You can't just say I love you, You have to live I love you'

Start living I love you,

I could live a life of marvel, but I choose a life of Love.

You are In this with Me

I'm scared of the fights

The incidents that could arise,

Perfect moments, I am scared I will watch them slowly die.

It is perfect, this person in front of me, never thought I could feel so much

Or be excited to watch you smile, bite your lip when you see me.

I don't want my own demons to mess this up.

Honestly, I don't think I can bare another screw up.

I got my fantasy beside me, holding my hand and kissing me cheek.

The world is ours, I can't wait for each day.

But why is tomorrow seeming so far away.

My head is in pain, and all I need is to be held so tightly, kissed on the cheek.

And being told, that I am so truly unique.

I am in it for the long run, no turning back.

Lack of time, perhaps a lot of good byes.

I will fight to death, as long as you are in this with me.

Giving up is for phonies, those who can't live up to their words.

I love you is forever, at least that is what I have been told.

Forever could last a life, forever could be till next week.

But promise me one thing, through the rumors, the misunderstandings

and situations, I dare not to see.

That through ups and down, slow rides and fast pace; You are In this with me.

Unexpected you were, driving around all night.

Hand hold behind the back seat, a single kiss that unfolded a story.

It started from there, this spell I fell into.

You have no idea how much you mean to me.

I really believe in this, You and I.

When your arms are wrapped around me; nothing could break this feeling.

Of security and serenity.

I love you, so so much. I cant even stress how much.

Promise me, that together hand in hand.

I can wake up to you beside me, lay on the sand; sun kissing our skin.

I'll worry about you to death, if you got home okay.

The snowflakes we will catch with our tongues, the movies we will sleep through.

Late night drive, even later night waffles. Laugh till I cry,

You are the best thing that has ever been mine.

Kissing you is a drug, your skin I feel love.

So through the good and the bad, I love you before I go to sleep, chaos I don't want to see.

That what life throws are way, as unideal as it may be. The fights, the love.

The strength that we feel, we only fight because we love each other.

Just promise me one thing, You are In this with Me.

When Your Blue Eyes Look Back

I cant get you out of head.

I almost feel like you play some part in this game, that you want to break my heart

Every Day.

I dream about you, like nothing changed, and how everything was supposed to go.

You would hold me, never let your fingers leave my skin.

Kiss me when everyone was watching, and hold me tighter because you could never get

enough of me.

We would have sex as often as we could, and it only brought out how much you loved me more and more.

I didn't have to use myself to try and make you love me. To try and bring something back you once had.

I hate you so much, for everything you put me through.

Leaving me alone when the whole world watched with pity, and you shrugged it off with good bye.

The most important day of my adolescent life, meant to shine on my accomplishments.

Only shined on yours, and how you conquered at tearing me apart.

And no one could deny, you did well at it.

I'm tired of you in my head, and I'm tired of dreaming of all my suppressed love for you.

Because I'm so busy trying to hate you for everything I should.

----------

I used to call you baby, and press my forehead against yours.

Your hands fit perfectly, gave me shivers up my spine.

The butterflies, the fantastic thrill, when you smiled, and I knew, it was mine.

I loved you for everything you were, when the rest of world told me no.

Cold emotions, ability to perceive.

I wish you never made me believe.

You loved me, that it was real.

That maybe we were meant to be,

The Notebook unraveled,

We would somehow find each other, through all our life's travels.

You'd bite your lip, and I would bite mine.

Our dark eyelashes flutter, our hearts melting together.

Through virtual smiles, make believe, and conversations that lasted for hours.

I fell inlove and cant get back up.

You stole my heart, and I want it back.

He has no idea how much it hurts,

When I look at him, and your blue eyes look back.

Leave me alone, and let me dream.

Of a simpler time, Innocence kept close, when hearts were whole

And there was no you and me.

Dedicated to E.L.

I hate how much I love you.

Please, Ethan. Just leave me alone to dream.

Pieces of a person

Sometimes, I feel I am made of up of pieces of a person, because I cant imagine myself feel whole.

I hate those moments, when the anxiety blankets over you, causing your heart to beat at a peculiar pace. If only I could explain the things I could, though in previous blogs I always speak of how disastrous that society has become with the need for love, and not the desire.

I feel I need love. Because when I have someone I care about deeply, and them at my side caring about me to. I am complete, but then I soon think of all the reasons they arent happy, or all the things they do to me or behind my back. I cant be happy with myself and I cant enjoy what is making me happy.

Im at the point I cant believe anyone. We are all so full of lies, we as in humans.

I keep missing my ex, and when it was brought to my attention earlier today that I may head down his way into his town. I felt the need to see him, hug him and cry so hard for everything I have hid inside. I know this isnt the right choice by anyway.

The other person I am seeing, I wish I knew he gave an inch for my feelings. His action and real life words, are yes, not matching his pathetic texts by not giving me the time of day to respond to them. I am aware this post is completely hypocritical to my previous post.

But the truth is, I am tired of the drama and this sicking overwhelming gush i get swimming through my body.

Is it to much to find one who is really truly there without a battle or without hesitance?

I think you only find those when your 82 and in your old folks home, when the men and women only care about death and no more mind games and teases.

I would give anything to trust my decision and someone to trust me enough to keep at it, and fight for me. Say good morning, say good night. These are small gestures but enough to at least show that person was on your mind and meant enough to let them know something so small.

My heart aches, it is actually just ripping and pounding.

I want to feel the fireworks, and the desire and those moments and memories.

I want to hold hands, and have first kisses and just feel so safe and secure because you know that person so well its okay.

I miss all of thats, and I want all of that. So show me someone to trust, someone to love and be loved by. And maybe for once, my heart feel whole again, and I can stop living as pieces of a person who is trying to fit together.

Dreamt of past people, of memories we never shared.

At this point in life, I'm realizing how purely messed up the world is and is becoming.

Love is obsession, need and fixation, not what it is meant to be.

Desire and want. A fine line separates them, but so much differs them.

I dreamt last night of my Ex. Possibly because yesterday was his prom/grad in which I was meant to attend. It was like we were giving each other a second chance, and it was like he never said or did the things he had done. My dream progressed as we went to the movies and by the end of the movie we were snuggled up lying down falling asleep. I rememeber how it felt to kiss him, but as my dream carried on, the face of the boy was not my ex. but someone else. I remember running my fingers through his hair and his arms around my waist, all in a dream. But none was real.

Last night I was very upset because a person I am seeing was making no effort to talk with me through my horrible day, and just ignored my texts.

Cell phones, I had gone 2 months without one since my ex and I broke up. And now I'm feeling why did I even bother getting one, they cause so much drama, over text.

This is a pathetic form of communication, using trivial, usually shortened words fit into a cyber spaced 140 character message. And that is meant to express all our feelings and real love?

No, if you feel something if something is real express it in the form its meant to be in.

WORDS. Your voice corresponding with another.

'Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.' -- Greys Anatomy

I myself, I would say am quote hungry. I try and find messages of wisdom to maybe make my issues make more sense. And this is probably one of my favorite quotations, because it is one of the most truthful.

As technology comes more and more to us, we are losing each other and real sense of who we are. Wrapped up in what we could be, then whom we are. It is so easy to put a fake face on over a text or a fb message. Maybe thats part of look, or you are just scared.

Something I myself find would be one of the nicest things, is if someone that is within my interest would come up to me and ask me out on a date, that they had put thought into, and tell me something of care. Ex. You seem really nice, fun and someone I would like to get to know.

A genuine interest and compliment.

But for right now, we will have to settle with the fake emotions of electronic wording, feelings faked, frusteration fizzling and all around being lost with ourselves and those around us.

So for now, we will just live out of our dreams with people of the past and memories we never shared.

Hey there my Knight, am I still the Princess of this Fairy Tale?

Hey blog, I am sorry I have been neglecting you.
But right now I dont know where to turn.

I have to send in my college app. tomorrow, and I do want to go to post secondary. But i dont want to go there, I want to go somewhere that I feel good about going to. I know where I wanna go, and I know where I want to be. But it isnt anywhere near here, in so many ways.

I feel like crumbling, but im trying to stay strong. I cant even process what to say anymore, and the only person I want to talk about it too, is the person who I cant even talk about it too. I dont want my friends to know my pain. I dont want anyone to know.
Im fighting for it, for him, and I cant and wont let him go. I have been left, and left, countless times, and each time I feel it is my fault. I will not forget late night kisses, steamy moments, hearing I'm beautiful, and knowing that I matter so much to one person. I was living my fairy tale, after so many times of pain. I didnt have to feel it anymore, because he took it away.
Right now I just want to cry, because I want to know, maybe im still the princess of that fairy tale, and if he is still my knight.

You dont know who I am? Im that girl right from the start, with the big smile, the big opinions and big thoughts on what the world is. I still dream, and I still think way too much. I still believe that everything that matters the most, and what you think the most, you have to work for it. That's what I have been living by, and at one point, my knight lived by it too.

Now I feel like an inconvenience, and if it mattered if I disappeared for a few days. I wish March never came, I never would have gone away if I knew that I would have left you behind. I promise, I missed you everyday, I promise that I still miss you everyday. I promise, I never stopped loving you, I promise I wont.

I cant help but blame myself, because passion doesnt fade, if it wasnt me who let it fade. Im sorry i let it happen, But i promise Ill fight to get it back.

I want to tell you so much, I want to spill my heart out to the person who I trust so much. But I am worried it will only push you away so much more. I cant do that, WE WILL work it all out.
Everything is a two way street, you have to pull your way, you have to have this optimism I have. You cant ignore my calls, my texts, my messages. Because each part is me holding you closer, because I love you.

I love you, and I love you. This is worrying me, that next we talk could be so different.
Tell me everything is going to be okay, tell me I am beautiful, tell me that I mean the world to you. Tell me you miss me. Tell me everything. AND MEAN IT. Tell me you love me. Fall inlove with me. Be inlove with me.

Baby, everything will be okay. I know it, I just do. You have to try, you have to fight. Because right now I think you are only believing everything that is bad. That nothing good can come of this, when so much that is amazing WILL come from this.

Give me some faith, i dont want to fight anymore, I dont want to hear your argumentative side. I dont want o mumble and grumble and think about what isnt there, and what was there and short it was. Days, dont matter. Time isnt an influence on what you feel, you love what you love.

And i love you despite the inconvience, or the tough stuff.

I cant wait for the summer sunshine, when we will be us. for prom, when you will be living my life, and for your prom when i will be living yours.

believe me, just promise to figure it out. dont go with logic, or inconvenience.
go with me. please, just dont let all of this leave.

I love you. I love you.
Promise me. Believe me.
It will be okay, it will be grande as a matter of fact.
Just like how we are meant to be.

Truth

In these circles Ive been running, Ive covered many miles.
Opening up
Sinking in

Should I be afraid to trust?
Echos through my head the notions I fear to be true
Feeling able in a way I haven't felt in a while.
Your miraculous

Stop to believe, stupid girl. Should Have known.
Though time ticks, we believe in what we fear the most
In hopes it can't be true

Inner beauty I believe
Though a devil's smile can easily deceive
I will take your hand down the garden path
In hope's to truly see

Eyes lie
Windows of the soul can be foggy
Not all truths can hide

But as I fall into the appearance I can not blind
I smile so wide
Chiseled into the image In hopes you will believe

The words ringing in my ear
Sweet and serene
It is your hope that is leading me

Crazy Crazy Crazy

In mind, for you.
Perhaps I'm the beauty
You are the beast
Behind a mask that can not breath.

Your beautiful inside and out.
And as I fall into your every word
I pray that perhaps In fear of loving you
I will not be losing you

Anytime Now

Before life gets complicated
Before I become more than who I am now
Before obligations and expectations fill my path between dreams and reality
Before I make the break from then and now
Before I realize the world of innocence is gone, childrens play is there and gone lawsuits at hand, taxing the right to live freely, seeking redemption, wanting vindication.
Before I realize everything I had is gone
Before I realize nothing will be the same again
Before I realize I have to lock the toy box away
Before I become the childhood dream, the peter pan foe, the adult who bites his tongue and tucks away for later days that never come.
Before I'm gone.

Hearts Break, Smiles Fade

As I sit here, I am over come of thoughts of you.
Now, this may come to no surprise to you,
Seeing as how together, or apart we have influenced each others lives.
Secret admiration's, quite smitten, in love, broken hearts.
Dreading each others sight, thinking things we never had the guts to say.
Saying things we never meant to say.
And everything in between.


I should hate you.
For rising me up so high I could touch the stars.
I should hate you.
For letting me fall for you.
I should hate you.
For letting me get so close to you

I love you, and that is what stabs

Feelings confided in someone I wanted to save

Knight in Shining Armour, a loser in tin foil

A name tag across your chest should say

'Starting today, the rest of your life, will never be the same'

We all say things we dont mean.
We all believe in dreams that will never come true.
Fairy tales lack happy endings.
Not all love lasts.

hearts break
smiles fade.

Forever is a long time from now.

"Im going to love you forever"

"Forever is a long time from now"

"It isn't long enough"

It is a big deal.

I will never forget this, and maybe deep down somewhere, you want that.

I can't even pretend you aren't there, a part of me. When you so clearly are.

No rest, no break, no you.

Every migrane, that squeezes my brain in a nausiating pulse. Its you.

Every anxiety attack that strikes me in the middle of my classes, watching tv. Its you.

Every time I close my eyes and hoping for a night of relief, I just keep dreaming. Of you.

You changed your mind, you forgot. They play out over and over again and each time you end up kissing me, holding me close, and I can feel the warmth of your skin pressed against my chest.

Then I open my eyes, the light creeps in from the curtains, and I find I wake up crying.

It was just a dream. You werent really there, but your still right beside me.

I can still smell you. Did you know that?

You loved me, I sat there snuggled in your arms, on starry night in the middle of no where.

And at that moment I felt like everything wrong went right.

I sit here, shattered, trying to pick up the pieces, glue them back together into a mangled form of myself. I know I love you, I can feel it creeping through my veins like the poison you are.

I cant help but still be there. I promised to hold your hand through the good and the bad.

If you couldnt manage your next breath, I would be your air.

Yes, perhaps I still want to believe in fairy tales. That past my cynical heart there is still that bit of magic few of us rarely get the chance to find.

I count the days, the occurences, over and over again. Trying to find the line before where it went right to wrong.

One day you were drawing hearts and arrows across my leg, snuggling in your arms, saying you dont want to be apart from me, and that those who thought we wouldnt fix it were wrong.

The next I was there, holding your hand through my words, talking to you telling you that all of it was going to be okay. You replied telling me I was so good to you, and you love me more than anyone.

The next day I was not in the best of moods but instead of burdening you with my problems I just let you have fun drinking it up with your friends. Because I was unable to be there.

You wanted me to tell you everything because you couldnt have fun knowing I wasnt okay. You told me you loved me so much and that you wished I could have been there that night.

What went wrong.

Suddenly you never wanted me to speak to you again.

Suddenly I was stupid, annoying.

Suddenly there was someone else.

I should hate you, I should scream at you.

But I cant help but just fall apart and love you.

I am afraid, I was afraid, that everything I found good, would crumble under my toes and I couldnt find the floor. Maybe you were just as afraid.

Taunt

Somthing I have learned. Its life is short lived.

I may cry my eyes out and get over excited to my Greys Anatomy every day after 3oclock.

But life is short lived. I am seventeen, and in a moment, one wrong step, this moment would no longer exist. Looking back, I most certainly had regrets, thinking that if I had said somthing diffrent, did somthing different, I wouldnt be here now. I had regrets.

I realized, from observing and spending more time thinking than I probably should.

Everything does happen for a reason, often things we can not explain. But it does.

You have to take the good with the bad. You dont really realize everything you have till you have nothing at all.

If love, had not faded. Sure, I would probably still be there with you right now.

But really would that have been what made me happy?

Because sitting here right now, I dont think of you.

I think of him. I may have infact cared about you at one point, but not now.

Taunting me with her, trying to get a rise, a reaction.

You wont get one.

Because I love him. I think of him first when I wake up, and last when I go to sleep.

You cant haunt me because I have been haunting you.

Im being stronger, I cut you out.

Who are we really?

Who are we? Who are we really?

We put on those brave faces, the tough faces, the pretty faces. But is that really who we are?
Make up may cover the blemishes, but not the truth. A mask we portray.

Confidence, often we hate those cocky and so sure of themselves. But really, are they?

Are they secretly insecure, so UNsure of themselves they can barely contain it?

Who are we really.

Many people have surprised me, and its often those I never thought I could ever be surprised by. But I guess thats what a surprise is.

Those that we assume, lack knowledge and understanding, are sometimes the ones with the most sense. Through my experiences, the people that are commonly brushed aside are some of the most loyal and understanding individuals I have met.

Smoke it up, Drink it down.

These are not morals I support; a lifestyle I would choose.

But we all have our demons, are secretive ways to cope with the pain and distraught.

Who are we to judge that the right way to deal with what we feel,

Some drink, Some smoke, Some cut.

Who are we, to disapprove of pain.

The ones that appear to have it all, the looks, the abilities and the social status.

The ones their peers strive to be, an image, is an image. Simply an illusion.

They dream of being more, they wish to be so much less then they are, we all have our beliefs of who we are, despite how we present ourselves to the world.

Myself, I would say, I have no clue who I am.

People see me in a light, I don't see myself.

A beautiful, intelligent and unlike anyone else; I see myself, as normal, an average, who is klutzy and a lot of passion for what I believe in.

I don't have myself put together, with my procrastinations and unsureness.

I get emotional and upset at what I can not understand.

I understand my negative sides, the positive I only look past in disbelief.

Who are we really? The appearance or the core, I suppose it is a bit of both, only what we are and who we choose to be is the clash and the disbelief.

Who are we really, think about it for yourself. The 'It' girl as she strolls down the hall with her fake tan and designer jeans, or the 'Stoner' walking with swagger, a smoke behind his ear.

Who are they behind the image, and their own insecurities and their realities.

Lets step back and breath, we all have blood running through our veins, and the heart beating in our chest. Made of the same parts, We are all not that different from one other.

I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know. "

-- Greys Anatomy


Holding on, Its something that I myself need to learn to let go. Relationships at this age many have said to me, Is it really worth all of the struggle. And through the heartbreak, hurt words, and misinterrupted feelings, I would still say Yes. Because even though at this moment, every inch of me aches. Not from physical impact, but from the words crushing and breaking every bone.

I would choose to go through it all to have that good.

Because in love, we make sacrafises. And I am sacrafising myself, my well being, every inch of sanity. All for love and affection, to have you caress my skin, kiss my forehead, held in your arms away from the world, away from its demons.


Tell me it's going to be okay. I won't ever need to be afraid again, we wont be back at this fork in the road between right and wrong.


Right can so easily lead to worse, and wrong can even more easily become unbearable.
I would choose to make it right. Because even though I know, it will end up
leading nowhere
but a dead end.
Id rather feel something than nothing at all.


I will love you, because even though its hurting me to care.
And breaking my heart to know that road from right to wrong its so close to my
finger tips but so uncontrollable, I will still always choose.
To love you.
Because Id rather feel something than nothing at all.

----
Im not breaking my promise, Im holding you to it not to break yours.

-----
funny how things change, and other things will always stay the same.

Wrote November 24th 2009

Good bye to the years.

I remember when I was younger, or when we were all younger. Never in our lives did we believe we would experience real pain. Not the broken arm or fractured ankle. But broken hearts.
The pain that never really goes away, the cuts that only scab.
At this moment, I feel emotional. So much seemed to have struck me in a matter of days. And now I'm overwhelmed, with no one to share the load. Though I'm only, barely, seventeen. I have realized so much, I observe. People may say 'things just go through my head', they are so wrong.
I take everything in, I remember everything that matters. Every perfect moment, every insulting word. Vaulted. I'm not so dim as you may take me as.

As I have sat here, on my couch, in my car, or laying in my bed till all hours of the night, heart beating at an pace I could never count. There is much I have thought about, obsessed over.
I put my whole heart into some people, the ones that really matter, and hope it does not get crushed. I could be overbearing, I could read to much into it, or not let it go.
But when you put your whole heart into something, would you not be the same way?
I have a big heart, I may make many mistakes, say stupid things, make a fool of myself, and be a royal pain. But I have a big heart. And when I say I love you. Part of me if not all of me, will love you for the rest of my life.

Goodbye high school. Goodbye to those that used to matter. Goodbye to me.

Final year. I have to grit and bare it, wait for my life to start. The bills, the responsibility, the agreement that your no longer mommy's little girl, you are your own woman.
Excitement stirs in my peers, when I'm casting a shadow.
And on that final day, when we throw our hats in the air, hug each other, and smile so wide our faces may split. Ill stand there and cry. I will walk through the halls letting my feet memorize the ground and my fingers hold onto the walls. So years from now, they will all know.
I was here. Part of me, will always be here.

Memories are fading, friendships are disappearing. What happened to friendship bracelets, secrets just our own, and best friends forever? It left with the night.
I may spill my heart to one person, and soon, five people know my confessions.
Assumptions made become the talk of the town, she is anorexic, she is bulimic, he is gay, he said he would only stay with her if she wore those kind of clothes, she is such a whore. True story. These are words that have filled my ears.

From young children, we were taught respect and discipline. Do what your told, and the bad wont come to you. Brush your teeth, eat your vegetables, clean your room. Now we all have a new type of cleaning up to do.

When in reality, we are all victims of the morals instilled in us. From our parents teachings, to that big purple dinosaur reffered to as Barney.
We all need to make our own mistakes to grow. You have to take the bad with the good, the break ups, the bad times, the arguments. Tears your swimming in, anger your lost in.
Errors, help with our corrections. Make us stronger, make us weaker.

" I love to do the things the censors won't pass."
" If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere."
" Well behaved women rarely make history "
~ Marilyn Monroe

What happened to our regard, and self respect.
Girls striving to be thin, counting calories, lessing meals every day. I myself, know I have become a victim of this horror.

Caught up on apperances, what we should be, whether than who we are.
Yourself isnt good enough, be more like him, strive to be like her.
Soon we will no longer be a race of individuals, but only a cult of clones.


Good bye to individuality. Good bye to what we once knew. Good bye to innocence.

Good bye to the years
Hello to the horror.

To the friendships that fall apart

I originally sent this to my friend Cole. But then reading it again, its something I wish to say to everyone who touched my life, but isn't really apart of it anymore.
So this is the version, going out to everyone who means something. Because it is to all of you.

You know, I know I have said this over and over again. But really, I miss you. I miss how tight we used to be. Talking late night for hours, jokes that never got old. I miss being best friends, now when we pass through the halls its like we don't even know each other.
I know we are all growing into different people and growing apart from what was once familiar. And in this final year, I feel that if we aren't connecting now, when we are so able to, with school and easy to access technology. We never really will again.

Losing the people that meant the most to me, and have impacted my life in such a way through the good and the bad, scares me.
Because its like I'm loosing a piece of myself. A piece that through the years, hours, and minutes. You helped create.

I just miss you. You and I always hit it off, we always clicked right from the start.
This isn't a love letter as I'm quite sure you know that. But just knowing, once we were always there for each other, laughing till we cried, talking through each other through the break ups, the hard times, or what we just weren't sure of. And now, I have to look at you like a stranger.
Because I'm scared in time, that's all we will be.

I just needed to say that, I'm not expecting it to change anything, or you to reply saying I'm sorry and things to go back to how they were.
I just figured. I need to say it all, because I may never get the chance to really say it again.

I love you.
You've always been one of my favorite people
I know Ill never forget you.

I hope you never forget me either.
No matter what happens, or what doesn't.
You'll always be one of those people that helped make me who I am
and who I'll always be glad to call my friend.

Hearts hold a million memories, you make a million and one.

If a girl holds on longer than she wants to. Longer than you think she should. Maybe it was because she thought you were going to be the one that would count. Maybe because holding onto you at least gave her a piece of a feeling your not completely gone. Maybe she plays your face over and over again before she goes to sleep hoping it will be the first thing she sees the next morning. Maybe the reason she mentions you every day, or talks about you like you never left, is because she hoping she wont have to talk about everything in past tense. She wont have to forget, she wont have to let those memories go. That maybe they will happen again and again. Maybe she cry's more than she should because it hurts more than it should. Maybe she wont let herself cry because she wants to think their shouldn't be a reason. Maybe she holds onto you so hard that maybe in fear if she let you go, even just an inch. She is losing you all together.
And maybe I'm holding onto you so hard, because I love you. And maybe I come so close to crying, but never do because i know you never want to see my cry. I think about you so much hoping that it wont just be lying to mind. That you didn't mean what you said. Maybe I refuse to forget you because I refuse for you to forget me. I play out our potential like a broken record, because I'm hoping that if I'm laying out the path, we just might follow it. And maybe its because, I see something in you that's different then all the rest, a piece of my never ending puzzle. I know you better and see you in the brightest light then all the rest. Maybe because I'm a fighter, and you are battle I promise myself to beat. I'm tried of pretending and trying to fool myself with what everyone says, when they say you aren't worth it, when deep down, I know you are.

These Pretty Eyes, will always be Pretty for you.

Pretty eyes will always stay pretty for you.
I will never let you go, and I will catch you when you fall.
Clover imprinted in the pages, a promise I swear to keep.
Take me from my poisons and feed me your heart.
I have all the love to give.

Breakfast at noon, virtual fighters.
Snuggled under the covers, for beautiful moments that felt like hours.
Lip Lock, Kiss and Tell.
Rivers and Trees, Lighters.
Ants can mean destruction.
Play me, my heart on your electric guitar,
Skin that can touch and rub, Trains drive by at a pace I cant compare.

Ill give you my love on paper, and show you with my eyes.
Groggy mornings, sleepless nights.
I thought of you at 3'oclock in the morning, like you did that night.
Rusty slides and squeaky swings.
Sushi was not your favorite thing.
Black polyester; green grass stains.

I never felt like this before.
Ill carry you up a mountain and walk you back home.
Wake up to your face, clothes I cant find.
Mothers eyes seeing more than they should see.
You and Me.

Mr G's, railroad tracks
Ben and Jerry's on a sunday afternoon.
Garage sales that never came, Parks that happened our way.
Cause' Maybe your gonna be the one that saves me

Baseball fields and ripped up jeans.
Chocolate Chillates, Sprite and water,
Star Wars and salad.
Home away from home; wrapped up in you.

Your just my little girl, and your just my boy.
My heart in your hands, my palms on your chest.
Napoleon Dynamite; Pepper mint patties.
Webcam dysfunction, girls with eyes of envy.
Burgers and Shaving cream.
Blackberrys and Bubble Gum.
Hearts hold a million memories, you make a million and one

Im going to miss you so much when Im gone.
Through the hard times baby, I swear I have got it all.
I promised, I would never let you fall.


And when Im alone with the nights I cant remember, I wish I was in your arms.
cause after all, your my Wonderwall.


--------
Im not giving up with out a fight.
Because my heart holds you with each inch.
And your the one I cant forget.

Let lips never leave

If someone came up to me and stated that you were the scum of the earth.
I would have to disagree, because even though hearts were broken.
You were worth it to me.

If I could say a million words, and say them just for you.
I would probably choose to tell you everything, that I had felt and wanted with you.
Days can be so trivial, to compare them to what I believed.
Conquer the highest mountain, and let lips never leave.

Brown eyes so deep I fell into each time,your scent that lingers,
touch so tender and breath so warm.
I remember how it felt to know, when days were tough. I had a home away from home.
Safely tucked in your arms. Evil's fade away, lips on my forehead. Words in my ear.
Falling
Falling
Falling

I want to stay up till way past midnight counting the stars from when, then and each
time in between. Lay on our backs when the sky is black and blue thinking about all
the dreams I thought I could have had with you.
I cant help but feel that honestly, I love you.

Through madness and insanity. I will still wait for seconds to pass and the faith I have in you to become my present.
Because I can't live, remembering everything we once and truly had.
Pretty Eyes that shine, only for you.
Pretty Eyes that will always stay pretty for you.

Wrote on July 12, 2009

The hopeless romantic.

I realize, that lately I have not met my creativity potential.
Words have been tumbling in my mind like an old dryer sheet.
To just maybe possibly explain the things I have been feeling, and the conclusions I have come to.
And here is one, and I mostly came to a different level of understanding when I was having a conversation with my friend Robert Young.

Even when you are not romantically involved. You are involved of the drama of it.
Because Love (or the illusion of it, that our minds have created a long ever-lasting goal to find and accomplish) is everywhere. I am also currently having a conversation with my dear friend Stuart, and he is feeling worried sick that a young man is going to grope and woo his woman.
The drama of love is that even when we are not involved, I think that secretly, we all seek to be part of its cycle. The lust, love and heartbreak. Because it makes us feel complete as human beings to know that our heart gives us an adrenaline rush, head over heels. 'Twitter pated' as once explained by Owl in Bambi, feeling.
And there for, we are all part of this sad, disappointing, depressing notion that love is a necessity in life, and we can not just be simply happy with ourselves.
Causing a drama to overwhelm us, if we are not feeling love. Making us, the pathetic, incredibly dependent human species to feel lonely and 'incomplete'.
Though if you are in a relationship you either feel completely star struck and so oblivious to the fact that in the end your world will crumble and Mr./Miss Fantastic is actually the scum that is giving you the emotion of tearing your heart out. So at least you do not have to feel.
Or you are comparing your relationship to how YOU want it, or how it SHOULD be.
Bantering about all the flaws to your significant other or everyone else standing around.
Because 'love' was just not satisfying enough to enjoy what you have.

And then of coarse, there is the most pathetic. The hopeless romantic.
When no matter everything you know about love, how much it hurts. You still keep coming back.
When you know, that he/she wont be your everything, and you will feel like you were kicked down the stairs, but to you. One more moment with them, is better than having had nothing at all. This where we make our horrible mistake. Because we keep believing and believing in dreams that will never come true. And our hopeless, romantic hearts, turn bitter and stone cold.
Because when once trusting everyone, your heart in their hands.

You learned to trust no one, not even yourself because you let yourself fall, and you blame yourself for crashing.

How stupid of you, to think that perhaps. Love was worth your while.


Love defines us, for if we can not escape it, it must be part of us because no matter where you go you have to live with yourself.
- Robert Young