Pieces of a person

Sometimes, I feel I am made of up of pieces of a person, because I cant imagine myself feel whole.

I hate those moments, when the anxiety blankets over you, causing your heart to beat at a peculiar pace. If only I could explain the things I could, though in previous blogs I always speak of how disastrous that society has become with the need for love, and not the desire.

I feel I need love. Because when I have someone I care about deeply, and them at my side caring about me to. I am complete, but then I soon think of all the reasons they arent happy, or all the things they do to me or behind my back. I cant be happy with myself and I cant enjoy what is making me happy.

Im at the point I cant believe anyone. We are all so full of lies, we as in humans.

I keep missing my ex, and when it was brought to my attention earlier today that I may head down his way into his town. I felt the need to see him, hug him and cry so hard for everything I have hid inside. I know this isnt the right choice by anyway.

The other person I am seeing, I wish I knew he gave an inch for my feelings. His action and real life words, are yes, not matching his pathetic texts by not giving me the time of day to respond to them. I am aware this post is completely hypocritical to my previous post.

But the truth is, I am tired of the drama and this sicking overwhelming gush i get swimming through my body.

Is it to much to find one who is really truly there without a battle or without hesitance?

I think you only find those when your 82 and in your old folks home, when the men and women only care about death and no more mind games and teases.

I would give anything to trust my decision and someone to trust me enough to keep at it, and fight for me. Say good morning, say good night. These are small gestures but enough to at least show that person was on your mind and meant enough to let them know something so small.

My heart aches, it is actually just ripping and pounding.

I want to feel the fireworks, and the desire and those moments and memories.

I want to hold hands, and have first kisses and just feel so safe and secure because you know that person so well its okay.

I miss all of thats, and I want all of that. So show me someone to trust, someone to love and be loved by. And maybe for once, my heart feel whole again, and I can stop living as pieces of a person who is trying to fit together.

Dreamt of past people, of memories we never shared.

At this point in life, I'm realizing how purely messed up the world is and is becoming.

Love is obsession, need and fixation, not what it is meant to be.

Desire and want. A fine line separates them, but so much differs them.

I dreamt last night of my Ex. Possibly because yesterday was his prom/grad in which I was meant to attend. It was like we were giving each other a second chance, and it was like he never said or did the things he had done. My dream progressed as we went to the movies and by the end of the movie we were snuggled up lying down falling asleep. I rememeber how it felt to kiss him, but as my dream carried on, the face of the boy was not my ex. but someone else. I remember running my fingers through his hair and his arms around my waist, all in a dream. But none was real.

Last night I was very upset because a person I am seeing was making no effort to talk with me through my horrible day, and just ignored my texts.

Cell phones, I had gone 2 months without one since my ex and I broke up. And now I'm feeling why did I even bother getting one, they cause so much drama, over text.

This is a pathetic form of communication, using trivial, usually shortened words fit into a cyber spaced 140 character message. And that is meant to express all our feelings and real love?

No, if you feel something if something is real express it in the form its meant to be in.

WORDS. Your voice corresponding with another.

'Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.' -- Greys Anatomy

I myself, I would say am quote hungry. I try and find messages of wisdom to maybe make my issues make more sense. And this is probably one of my favorite quotations, because it is one of the most truthful.

As technology comes more and more to us, we are losing each other and real sense of who we are. Wrapped up in what we could be, then whom we are. It is so easy to put a fake face on over a text or a fb message. Maybe thats part of look, or you are just scared.

Something I myself find would be one of the nicest things, is if someone that is within my interest would come up to me and ask me out on a date, that they had put thought into, and tell me something of care. Ex. You seem really nice, fun and someone I would like to get to know.

A genuine interest and compliment.

But for right now, we will have to settle with the fake emotions of electronic wording, feelings faked, frusteration fizzling and all around being lost with ourselves and those around us.

So for now, we will just live out of our dreams with people of the past and memories we never shared.