I sat in the shower today, that is right. I sat.
I didn't have the energy to stand, the strength to stay upright.
So I sat, and felt the water hit my head, run through my hair.
I remember sitting there, thinking. 'Why can't all rain be this warm?'
And for a second, I didn't focus on the warmth washing over my shoulders and spine.
But the sound of the water pounding down on the metal of my bathtub,
the individual drops hitting my palms, and the rest as it seeps in the cracks and folds
of where my legs bend, my head hangs, and my eyes close.
It reminded me of something, the only thing, thought I cannot remember the name;
that I learned in psychology. The things in our brain we are so used to we turn off.
I hate the things I am used to, I want to learn the things I don't anymore.
I thought I was. I always have been afraid for the things that betrayed me.
Water, you swept me under your waves, depriving me the thing I know best.
To breathe.
And all you boys who broke my heart, who I took a risk to trust, who I put my heart into love.
You took the thing I knew best, the ability, to breathe.
Whats worse, being with someone who doesn't love you... Or not being with someone who does?
All I have ever wanted in my life, but never really had, was stability. The comfort to know,
what I had was security.
I remember the day I felt it hit me, those fireworks feelings, that rush that hits you when everything goes right? He held my hand behind the seat, and listened to me as I vented the things I don't care about, care to much about and hate about my life.
We went for a stroll under the dark lights, and I kissed him; it honestly never felt so right.
I never made the move to kiss a boy before, I was a virgin at it I suppose.
From that day, my life changed.
How is it fair, that you can have the benefits, the girl who loves you, her body, her lips,
her eyes only for you. That she will wait for you, and wont stop caring, because you mean that much. When she has every reason to walk away from you. And not look back?
And you cant even do her the decency, of saying she is your girl. Claiming ownership, or even.
Saying you are seeing each other, no obligations to be with anyone else, or even to say your are the BF/GF relationship. But just the courtesy so the world knows, you still have the interest and you still have the care. As much as I want to kiss you and sleep with you, and love you. I need something in return, I refuse to be the friends the benefits, or the fuck buddy.
Its to easy for you, to hard for me.
Have the respect, to care about me.
Its like sitting in the shower, you don't realize all the little things around you. Until they slowly hit you, and how much they matter. That is love isn't it?
I am not a patient person, and I don't do well with what I cannot understand.
There is a lyric, from some song I don't remember.
'You can't just say I love you, You have to live I love you'
Start living I love you,
I could live a life of marvel, but I choose a life of Love.
