I don't know if it is because I have constantly been sick from everything I consume
Or stress.
I really hate this anxiety, waking up with it, and dealing with its attacks through out the day... leading my mind to various questions I need answers to.
Promise me, it will go back to being the same.
I think that right now, that is my biggest fear. Though I am trying to keep some type of normalcy, it so far from it at times. Sometimes I sit here and think, if you just said
'Hey Babe :)' It would make it all better, just letting me know, I am on your mind.
But then I sit here, and look at my boxy purple phone and wonder.
Do you ever think about me, like how I am thinking about you?
Do you ever crave my lips and the feeling of my skin,
or even just the look in my eyes, looking at you?
Hands around my waist, legs around your waist, hand at the back of neck - fingers in my hair.
Feeling your kiss against my skin. Your smile, your eyes widen, all the little things I notice you do. I can't help but miss them. Do you ever notice the little things, and miss them too?
I can be the best friend, hell, you already were one of mine. But tell me it wont be that way forever, that you mean what you say and you'll fight it make it come true.
I need love to be restored in my mind, that people really do
Say What They Mean, and Mean What They Say
I suppose it is stupid, venting to a blog, in which you could easily read. But maybe that is why like it so much. Vindication. I can state my case without argument, and still prove my point.
How many ways in life can you do that so simply?
I am such a dreamer. In a way, I hate it about myself. I have my head above the clouds and think about everything I want to do and be. Everything I want and how it should go.
I have always been one for make-believe and fantasies.
And when I find something, that fits into part of that little fairytale in my head,
Jesus. I believe in it more than anything.
In a way that is how it should be. Everyone has their passions, I suppose the idea of love has been mine. I love the idea of two people, who connect so well in so many ways, it is easy.
They can laugh, and talk, be comfortable around each other in general, naked, when ill or even just looking like crap. Or when you have a fight, and blow up at each other for all the common stress around you; you slam the door and start the car but come home that night and cuddle up in bed, kiss on the forehead and say 'Baby, I am so sorry for today'. And there is no fear either of you... will go anywhere.
Isn't that amazing?
I always did believe 'love' was past the flowers, the chocolates and the diamond ring. Don't get me wrong, I love diamond rings. But I always thought, that friendship where you can drive around late at night, listening to your favorite song, hearing each others meaningless rambles that still have so much value... where you listen, laugh and sympathize, mattered more than the cheezy stereotypical love tokens ever could. And when you stop at that red light, and you lean over to kiss, just because, just in that moment. Isn't that love?
The little things are the big things, when he knows your favorite cup of coffee... or even just puts in the attempt because it matters to you. Isn't that the greatest sign of care?
Putting in the effort to show you care, and then having the rest come naturally through conversation and everyday actions. That is real.
We can look past the sex and the physical passion, which can die. Due to injury, or simply when you come to that old age and need to take viagra. Tragedy.
Id rather have good conversation and laughs that bring me closer to a person, then no relationship and just sex.
Why am I rambling about this? I am sitting on my couch, with a penguin blanket and pillow, craving a green tea latte and thinking I need to study before work :( B.S.
I really dont like christmas, and my mom is going hardcore and being immature. And I really dislike christmas.
Something my mother stated to me, probably 2 weeks ago, was
'It is so nice you will have someone for christmas' and she proceeded to tell all her friends that she was happy I would not be alone for the holidays.
That changed.
You know when you look back on things and remember things that didn't matter so much at the time, but really do now? Lately I have been wanting to cuddle naked, under the covers.
Feeling the body heat, fingers memorizing ever muscle and skin. The scent of Fiji.
It kinda has become my favorite smell.
Eating sushi and failing, wrestling, or tickling the sensitive areas, watching the squirming. Maybe I would have stopped worrying so much, or just sat there and looked a little more and let my fingers feel a little more.
Because I am realizing more and more through these days, that the little things are the big things. I am just a stupid sob story I guess.
But as I said, my biggest fear right now, is not getting back what I had.
Lately, I have kind of been treated non existant, and not even deserving the benefit or mature conversation. But, when I hear that voice in my ear, I become way to forgiving. Such a push over I can be, but just because I have been hurt... doesn't mean I need to be a bitch and hurt back.
Despite what everyone tells me.
I guess I am so tired of being let down, and also... being a let down myself. Through my friends, my mother, and well.. the obvious.
Please don't let me down this week. Don't let me down.
Truth is, I do believe in love, I believe in its passion, and I believe in all the corny things that go with it that makes it happen. The songs that come on with Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift and Boys like Girls that get the butterfly effect when you happen to be together. I love the hand holding where everyone can see, the romantic kiss where people turn heads and say
'Thats adorable, I wish that was me'
The compliments on how good you look together, the couplie pictures. Even falling asleep to a movie, kissing your cheek so unsuspecting when his arms are tight around you. Wearing his clothes, when you could easily wear your own, throwing pumpkin guts and making cookies. Bragging to the world, they are yours. Yes, I believe in the cheezy romantic love and everything that comes with it. It is quite ridiculous, how far I will go for things I really do believe in.
I fight to the death for what I want.
If I want something, I go for it until I can get it.
So right now, I really am believeing in love. That what we had before, and even still kind of have now... will shine through the misfortune we have to deal with today. That promises will be kept, I will kiss you on New Years, I will get the stupid flowers and chocolate on Valentines Day, and redo my prom, so I can have it the right way. I can wake up to you every morning, and decorating a home with picture frames and make scrambled eggs, even though I hate scrambled eggs. I can explore the land down under. Yes, I probably, well I know I am getting way ahead of myself, but I remember everything said to me by someone that matters.
And I believe in him so much, for everything he does, because he has so much amazing stuff to him. And I know even when he is just an asshole, and I am annoying and insecure. He still makes me happy.
But my one concern right now, if I believe in love so much.
Why do I feel like, I could easily cry?
